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EHS  STANDARD  UBRARYFm 


New  York 


THE  COMMUTERS 

A  COMEDY  IN  FOUR  ACTS 


BY 

JAMES  FORBES 
it 


Copyright,   1910,  by  JAMES  FORBES 
Copyright,  1916,  by  JAMES  FORBES 


ALL  RIGHTS  RESERVED. 

CAUTION.— All  persons  are  hereby  warned  that  "THE 
COMMUTERS,"  being  fully  protected  under  the  copy 
right  laws  of  the  United  States,  is  subject  to  royalty, 
and  anyone  presenting  the  play  without  the  consent  of 
the  owner  or  his  authorized  agents  will  be  liable  to 
the  penalties  by  law  provided.  Application  for  amateur 
rights  must  be  made  to  SAMUEL  FRENCH,  28-30  West 
38th  Street,  New  York.  Application  for  the  profes 
sional  rights  must  be  made  to  the  AMERICAN  PLAY 
COMPANY,  33  West  42nd  Street,  New  York. 


NEW  YORK 
SAMUEL  FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30  WEST  38TH  ST. 


LON'X)N 


SAMUEL  FRENCH,  Ltd. 

26    SOUTHAMPTON    STREET 

STRAND 


Especial  notice  should  be  taken  that  the  possession  of  this 
book  without  a  valid  contract  for  production  first  having 
been  obtained  from  the  publisher,  confers  no  right  or  license 
to  professionals  or  amateurs  to  produce  the  play  publicly  or 
in  private  for  gain  or  charity. 

In  its  present  form  this  play  is  dedicated  to  the  reading 
public  only,  and.no  pcrferrraiice  &!  it  may  be  given  except 
by  special  arrangement  with  daixfuel  French,  28-30  West  38th 
Street,  New  York* .  _  , . 

SECTION  -  28— THaV  any  'person  who  wilfully  or  for  profit 
shall  infringe  any  copyright  secured  by  this  act,  or  who  shall 
knowingly  and  wilfully  aid  or  abet  such  infringement  shall 
be  deemed  guilty  of  a  misdemeanor,  and  upon  conviction 
thereof  shall  be  punished  by  imprisonment  for  not  exceeding 
one  year,  or  by  a  fine  of  not  less  than  one  hundred  nor  more 
than  one  thousand  dollars,  or  both  in  the  discretion  of  the 
court. 

Act  of  March  4,  1909. 


THE  COMMUTERS. 


Originally  produced  at  the  Criterion  Theatre, 
New  York,  August  i5th,  1911.  With  the  following 
cast: 

NOTE : — The  characters  are  arranged  in  the  order 
in  which  they  first  speak. 

LARRY  BRICE Orrin  Johnson 

HETTY  BRICE May  De  Sousa 

CARRIE Georgie  Lawrence 

MRS.  GRAHAM Mrs.  Pauline  Duffield 

MR.  ROLLISTON George  Soule  Spencer 

MR.  COLTON John  Cumberland 

MR.  APPLEBEE E.  Y.  Backus 

SAMMY  FLETCHER Taylor  Holmes 

MRS.  JULIA  STICKNEY  CRANE... Maude  Knowlton 

MRS.  COLTON Amy  Lesser 

MRS.  SHIPMAN . . . . Isabelle  Fenton 

MRS  APPLEBEE Adelyn  Wesley 

MRS.  ROLLISTON  . . .  0 , Lillian  Thurgate 

BARNES 0  .£.  Y.  Backus 


SYNOPSIS  OF  SCENES. 

ACT  I.  Dining-room  of  the  Brice  home.  Sat 
urday  morning  7: 15. 

ACT  II.  Living-room  of  the  Brice  home.  Late 
afternoon  of  the  same  day. 

ACT  III.  Same  as  ACT  II.    2  A.  M. 

ACT  IV.  Veranda  of  the  Brice  home.  Sunday 
morning. 

TIME  : — The  present. 
PLACE: — A  suburb  of  New  York  City 


M433IO 


THE   COMMUTERS 


ACT  I. 

SCENE: — The  dining-room  of  the  BRICE  home. 
It  is  a  square  room.  The  walls  are  panelled 
to  a  height  of  six  -feet  with  white  painted  wood. 
Above  the  panelling  is  a  frieze  of  green  and 
white  flowered  wall  paper.  At  about  R.  i  E. 
is  a  swing  door  to  the  kitchen,  the  backing  for 
this  door  showing  a  wainscot  of  blue  and  white 
tile  and  yellow  plaster  walls.  At  R.  3  E.  is  a 
high  casement  window  through  which  is  shown 
an  exterior  backing  in  keeping  with  the  drop. 
The  valence  and  curtains  on  this  window  are 
of  green  linen.  On  the  sill  are  pots  of  blooming 
plants.  Underneath  the  window  is  a  mahogany 
sideboard.  On  either  end  of  it  are  silver 
candelabra,  in  the  center  are  various  pieces  of 
silver  such  as  a  tea  set,  cake  dishes,  compotes, 
decanters,  peppers  and  salts,  a  muffinier,  and  a 
silver  cigarette  box  -for  cigarettes.  Between  the 
sideboard  and  the  door  at  R.  I  E.  is  a  small  stand 
with  telephone  and  a  chair.  At  the  rear  of  the 
stage  are  double  French  windows,  recessed,  and 
opening  off  stage,  showing  a  green  and  zvhite 
trellised  fence  covered  with  pink  Rambler  roses. 
Back  of  this  is  a  drop  representing  the  tree 
shaded  lawns  bordering  a  typical  suburban 
street.  In  the  recess  of  the  windows  is  a  plat- 
form  raised  one  step  from  the  stage.  On  each 
end  of  this  platform  is  a  flower  stand  filled 
with  plants  in  bloom.  Built  in  the  flat  back  R, 
5 


6  THE  COMMUTERS. 

and  L.  of  these  windows  are  practical  cabinets 
with  glass  doors.  On  their  shelves  an  assort 
ment  of  glasses  and  gaily  decorated  china. 
At  L.  2  E.  leading  into  the  living-room  are  double 
glass  doors.  Two  chairs  are  placed  against 
the  wall  above  these  doors  and  two  below  them. 
At  center  ij  a  round  mahogany  table  on  which 
is  a  lace  center-piece  and  a  glass  boivl  of  flowers. 
There  is  a  chair  L.  of  table  and  one  R.  of  it. 
All  the  chairs  are  of  mahogany,  alike  in  design 
with  the  seats  upholstered  in  green  linen.  Simple 
electric  brackets  with  shades  are  on  the  walls 
L.  and  R.  Before  the  curtains  rises  an  alarm 
clock  is  heard  off-stage  L. 

The  curtain  rises  on  an  empty  stage  flooded  with 
early  morning  light  streaming  through  the  case 
ment  window. 

(Enter  LARRY  BRICE,  carrying  alarm-clock.     It  is 
ringing.    He  shakes  it  furiously.) 

LARRY.  Oh,  keep  quiet,  will  you.  (Calls) 
Hetty !  Hetty ! 

HETTY.  (Entering  R.  with  Herald  and  World) 
Oh,  Larry  you're  awake  at  last,  are  you? 

LARRY.  Fine  chance  I'd  have  to  sleep  with  this 
burglar-alarm  having  hysterics.  How  do  you  fix  the 
thing  ? 

HETTY.  (Gives  him  papers;  takes  clock,  turns  off- 
alarm)  I  thought  that  one  would  get  you  up.  It's 
a  new  one  I  bought  yesterday.  They  call  it  the 
Commuter's  Joy. 

LARRY.  The  old  one  was  joy  enough.  (Lays 
HERALD  on  table — keeps  World) 

HETTY.  You  were  so  used  to  that  one  it  was  a 
regular  lullaby.  LARRY  sits  L.  of  c.  table — HETTY 
puts  clock  on  sideboard  R.)  Now  don't  putter 
around.  (Down  back  of  table — lays  paper  on  chair 
R.)  It's  seven-fifteen.  You've  just  thirty  minutes 


THE  COMMUTERS.  7 

to  catch  the  7:46.     (Takes  flowers  to  sideboard) 

LARRY.  Thirty-one  minutes,  pet.  {Reading 
World) 

HETTY.  Just  when  did  you  come  home  last 
night?  {Down  to  table) 

LARRY.    How  late  did  you  sit  up  ? 

HETTY.  I  asked  a  question.  {Picking  up  center 
piece) 

LARRY.  I  heard  you,  dear  heart,  about  ten  minutes 
after  eleven. 

HETTY.  You  mean  10  highballs  after  eleven1. 
(HETTY  puts  center-piece  over  back  of  chair  K. 
and  goes  to  sideboard  R.  opens  drawer) 

LARRY.    Now,  my  dear,  I  was  only 

HETTY.  {Interrupting)  Now  don't  tell  me  it 
was  another  impromptu  alumni  dinner.  {Takes  out 
table-cloth)  I  know  that  you  were  popular  at  col 
lege — {Brings  down  table-cloth)  but  I  never  heard 
of  any  other  college  with  so  many  black  hand 
societies.  {Spreading  cloth) 

LARRY.  Wrong,  my  love — quite  wrong — it  was 
just  a  little  party  at  Sammy's. 

HETTY.  {Still  spreading  cloth)  Sammy's!  An 
other  party  at  Sammy's.  I  wish  to  heaven  that  Mr. 
Samuel  Fletcher  was  married,  although  he  is  an 
awful  thing  to  wish  on  any  woman.  {Smoothing 
cloth) 

LARRY.    He  always  speaks  well  of  you. 

HETTY.    He  doesn't  even  know  me. 

LARRY.    Perhaps  that's  the  reason. 

HETTY.  I  hate  a  man  to  be  funny  in  the  morn 
ing.  {Picks  up  center-piece)  The  next  time  you 
see  Mr.  Fletcher  just  tell  him  for  me  that  women 
would  rather  sit  up  with  their  husbands  than  for 
them.  {Puts  center-piece  on  cloth) 

LARRY.    Was  his  darling  little  girl  lonely? 

HETTY.  No,  his  darling  little  girl  wasn't  lonely. 
Doctor  Lloyd  sat  up  with  me. 

LARRY.    He  did! 


8  THE  COMMUTERS. 

HETTY.  Don't  worry.  He  won't  send  a  bill.  It 
was  a  social  not  a  professional  call.  Fan  Rolliston 
came  over.  She  was  bored  to  tears  too — (Starts  for 
sideboard) 

LARRY.    Why  ? 

HETTY.  Why?  (Turns  quickly  and  comes  down 
R.  c.)  Wasn't  Rolliston  at  Sammy  Fletcher's  party? 

LARRY.    Was  he?    You  should  have  heard  him. 

HETTY.  (Over  to  R.  of  table)  Spare  me  the  rem 
iniscences.  I  can  see,  it  will  be  a  long  moist  story 
and  your  train  leaves  at  7 : 46. 

LARRY.  (Rises)  Oh,  loads  of  time.  (Puts 
down  World  on  L.  of  table  and  goes  up  to  window 
c.) 

HETTY.  (Picks  tip  HERALD,  puts  on  R.  of  table — 
picking  up  World  and  crosses  to  L.  c.  looking  at 
paper)  You  told  me  that  Mr.  Rathborne  was  sail 
ing  at  ten,  and  that  you  had  to  see  him. 

LARRY.  Oh,  what's  the  rush.  (Looks  off  R.) 
Old  Shipman's  on  the  front  porch  reading  his  paper. 

HETTY.    What  page? 

LARRY.  By  his  expression,  I  should  say  the 
death  notices.  (Looks  again)  No,  it's  the  stock 
reports. 

HETTY.  (Puts  World  on  L.  of  table)  One  of 
these  fine  mornings  this  whole  street  will  be  late 
for  business.  (Goes  to  cabinet  L.  for  bread-and- 
butter  plates) 

LARRY.  Oh,  nonsense- — old  Shippy's  never  been 
known  to  miss  a  train,  he  keeps  better  time  than  the 
town  clock. 

HETTY.  (Bringing  bread-and-butter  plates  L. 
of  table)  You  men  are  perfectly  ridiculous,  a  lot 
of  sheep.  You  wait  for  Shipman,  Rolliston  waits 
for  you.  Colton  for  Rolliston  and  Applebee  for 
Colton — (Puts  down  plates  and  goes  back  to  L. 
cabinet  for  cups  and  saucers) 

LARRY.  (Interrupting)  Just  think  of  the  sleep 
I  miss  in  a  year  by  not  living  further  up  the  block. 


THE  COMMUTERS.  v  9 

HETTY.  Oh,  no,  you'd  stay  out  later."  '(Taking 
two  cups  and  saucers) 

LARRY.  (Looking  down  at  lawn)  I  guess  I'll 
have  to  use  mange  cure  on  this  lawn.  (Starjs  ex 
citedly)  Someone's  been  on  it.  (Turns  to  HETTY) 
Were  you? 

HETTY.  (Coming  down  to  table)  I've  a  perfect 
right  to,  but  I  never  even  look  at  it.  (Putting  cups 
and  saucers  L.  ) 

LARRY.  (Coming  down-stage  to  L.  c.)  What's 
the  use  of  my  getting  curvature  of  the  spine  try 
ing  to  bring  this  lawn  up  in  the  way  it  should  grow 
if  everybody's  going  to  walk  on  it.  (Picks  up 
World  angrily) 

HETTY.  It  might  seem  sarcastic  but  why  don't 
you  plant  a  few  keep-off-the-grass  signs.  (Laughs 
— goes  to  R.  cabinet  for  two  glasses) 

LARRY.  How  do  you  expect  this  grass  to  grow 
if  you're  going  to  laugh  at  it  ?  (HETTY  comes  down 
to  table)  I  wish  you'd  tell  that  maid  of  yours  to 
keep  off  of  it. 

HETTY.  (Putting  down  glasses  R.  and  L.)  I've 
given  your  positive  instructions  to  Carrie.  But,  as 
she  never  does  anything  I  tell  her  to 

LARRY.  (Interrupting)  I'll  talk  to  her,  where  is 
she ?  (Throws  paper  on  chair  L.  of  table) 

HETTY.  Late  as  usual.  (Up  to  R.  cabinet  for 
plates) 

LARRY.  (Down  L.  a  little)  What  do  you  ex 
pect,  allowing  a  maid  to  sleep  at  home? 

HETTY.  It's  such  a  relief  to  have  a  maid  that  I 
don't  care  where  she  sleeps.  (Takes  plates)  I'd 
even  let  her  sleep  on  the  lawn. 

LARRY.  I'd  like  to  see  her  try  it.  Why  do  you 
keep  a  girl  who's  always  late? 

HETTY.  (R.  of  table,  placing  the  plates)  Do 
you  suppose  I  like  it?  (Puts  down  first  plate)  I 
have  to  take  what  I  can  get  in  the  way  of  servants 
and  be  thankful.  (Puts  down  second  plate)  Why 


io  THE  COMMUTERS. 

should  you  grumble?  I  never  say  anything.  Al 
though  it  is  I  who  has  to  be  up  early  every  other 
morning  in  time  to  get  breakfast — make  the  fires — 
(Starts  for  sideboard  R.) 

LARRY.     (Interrupting)     Is  there  any  hot  water? 

HETTY.  You  should  have  stayed  at  home  and 
shaved  last  night.  You  haven't  time  now.  (Goes 
to  sideboard  R.  and  gets  knives,  forks  and  spoons) 

LARRY.     I  can't  go  into  town  looking  like  this. 

HETTY.  (Brings  down  knives  and  forks  to  R. 
of  table)  The  men  won't  mind  and  any  woman 
who  has  to  take  the  7 : 46  doesn't  care  what  any  man 
looks  like. 

X LARRY  looks  'at  her,  starts  to  speak  then  exits 
furiously  L.  HETTY  watches  him  off  laughs 
then  begins  placing  the  knives  and  forks.) 

LARRY.  (Off-stage  L.,  very  pleasantly)  Good- 
morning,  Carrie 

(Enter  CARRIE  L.  very  leisurely,  utterly  undiscon- 
ccrted  by  the  fact  that  she  is  latef  that  her 
mistress  is  setting  the  table.) 

CARRIE.  (Languidly,  standing  L.)  Oh,  ma'am, 
is  breakfast  ready? 

HETTY.  (Sarcastically)  I'm  sorry  it's  a 
few  moments'  late.  (HETTY  pauses  momentarily  ex 
pecting  CARRIE  to  come  to  her  assistance.  But 
CARRIE  is  removing  slowly  the  hat  pins  from  her 
hat.  HETTY  resumes  laying  the  knives  and  forks, 
etc.  Very  sarcastically)  Which  excuse  is  it  this 
morning?  Is  your  mother  ill?  Did  you  have  the 
toothache  all  night  ?  Did  you  have  to  get  your  little 
brother  off  to  school?  (Up  to  sideboard  R.  of 
muffinier) 

CARRIE.    No'm,  I  just  slep*  in.    (Taking  off  hat) 

HETTY.     (Back  to  table  with  muffinier)     I'm 


• 


THE  COMMUTERS.  it 

sorry  you  didn't  have  time  to  comb  your  hair.  (Up 
to  cabinet  R.  for  finger-bowls) 

CARRIE.  Why,  it  took  me  a  half  hour!  Don't 
you  like  my  Turban  swirl? 

HETTY.  (Coming  down  with  finger-bowls) 
What's  that  in  your  hair? 

CARRIE.    That's  my  cap 

HETTY.  Where  are  the  ones  I  gave  you?  (Plac 
ing  finger-bowls  L.  and  R.) 

CARRIE.  They  ain't  becomin'.  Don't  you  like 
this?  I  think  it's  awful  cute.  It's  what  I  used  to 
wear  at  Child's. 

HETTY.  Child's  is  hardly  setting  the  fashion  for 
Auburn  Manor.  (Up  to  sideboard  for  salts  and 
peppers) 

CARRIE.  If  you  expect  me  to  wear  one  of  them 
with  streamers,  I  quits.  It's  this  or  none. 

HETTY.  We'll  dispense  with  caps — (Coming 
down  to  table,  puts  salts  and  peppers  L.  and  R.) 

CARRIE.    What? 

HETTY.    Take  it  off,  please 

CARRIE.    Oh ! 

(HETTY  goes  up  to  R.  cabinet  for  sugar  bowl  and 
bell.) 

HETTY.  And  while  I  think  of  it,  I  want  you  to 
remember  that  people  calling  at  this  house,  com 
pany,  you  understand,  must  be  announced — (Comes 
back  to  table) 

CARRIE.    (Interrupting)    No  one  gets  by  me 

HETTY.  (Putting  down  bowl  and  bell)  Yester 
day,  while  I  was  shampooing  my  hair,  you  showed 
in  a  strange  man 

CARRIE.  (Interrupting)  Well,  the  plumber  ain't 
company,  is  he? 

HETTY.  It  doesn't  matter  who  they  are,  they 
must  be  announced. 


12  THE  COMMUTERS. 

CARRIE.  (Glancing  over  table)  Ain't  you  usin' 
napkins,  no  more  ? 

HETTY.  Thanks — (Goes  to  sideboard  and  gets 
napkins)  And  it  isn't  necessary  for  you  to  enter 
tain  my  friends  either.  Mrs.  Rolliston  called  the 
other  day  and  when  I  came  downstairs  I  found 
you  sitting  in  there  conversing  with  her.  (Places 
napkins  R.  and  L.) 

CARRIE.  Well,  she  was  kickin'  to  me  about  the 
way  maw  done  Mr.  Rolliston's  shirts. 

HETTY.  Quite  right,  I  must  speak  to  your  mother 
myself.  (Starts  for  kitchen  R.)  She's  using  al 
together  too  much  blueing. 

CARRIE.  (Coming  c.  front  of  table)  That's  what 
I  tell  her.  My  shirtwaists  is  a  sight. 

HETTY.  (Stops)  We  won't  discuss  your  shirt 
waists.  (Starts)  And  remember  you  must  not  talk 
with  people  when  they  call.  (Goes  a  little  further) 

CARRIE.  We  cut  maw's  customers  and  hurt  her 
trade.  I  don't  want  people  to  think  I'm  stuck  up 
cause  I  don't  chase  their  wash  to  them  no  more. 

HETTY.  People,  aren't  thinking  about  you. 
(HETTY  exits  R.  into  kitchen) 

CARRIE,  (c.  front  of  table)  I  wish  I  was  back 
to  "  Childs'."  All  the  customers  so  nice  and  friendly 
(Starts  R.) 

LARRY.     (From  off  L.)     Say,  where's  my  shirt? 

CARRIE.  HC.W  should  I  know?  (Over  near 
kitchen  door.  Calls  MRS.  BRICE)  Mrs.  Brice,  your 
husband's  yelling  for  you—  (Exits  R.) 

(HETTY  enters  R.  with  two  plates  with  fruit.) 

LARRY.     (Off  L.)    Where's  my  tan  shirt? 
HETTY.     (Going  to  table  and  placiny  fruit  R.  and 
L.)     Aren't  you  dressed  yet? 

LARRY.    How  can  I  dress  without  a  shirt? 
HETTY.    Where  did  you  put  it  ? 


THE  COMMUTERS.  13 

LARRY.  Where  I  always  put  it.  What  did  you  do 
with  it? 

HETTY.  I  don't  wear  your  clothes.  Look  on  the 
back  of  the  door.  (Runs  up  to  window)  Did  you 
find  it? 

LARRY.    Yes. 

HETTY.  You'd  better  hurry.  (Coming  down  to 
R.)  Shippy  has  finished  the  front  page.  (Exits 
quickly  R.  Telephone  rings) 

CARRIE.  (Enters  with  pitcher  of  water.  Tele 
phone  is  ringing)  Shut  up.  (Rings  again)  Oh, 
wait  a  minute.  (Pouring  water  in  finger-bowls  and 
glasses)  Give  a  fellow  a  chance.  (Slams  pitcher 
on  table  crosses  to  telephone  and  snatches  off  re 
ceiver  angrily)  Hello,  yes,  this  is  Mr.  Brice's  house. 
Who?  Mrs.  Shipman's  maid.  Are  you  the  new 
one?  Going  to  stay?  yes,  Auburn  Manor  is  awful 
dull.  Ain't  a  moving  pitcher  show  in  the  place. 
What  ?  you  want  me  to  tell  Mr.  Brice,  Mr.  Shipman 
ain't  feeling  well — ain't  going  to  town  to-day. 
Aw  right.  Say,  what's  your  name?  Margaret? 
Mine's  Caroline.  I've  been  here  three  days.  I'll 
come  over  to-night.  Yes,  I'll  bring  my  gentleman 
friend.  Good-bye,  Maggie 

LARRY.     (Off  L.)    Where's  my  coat? 

(HETTY  enters  R.  with  covered  dish  of  toast.) 

CARRIE.  (Down  to  her)  Now  he's  yapping  for 
his  coat — (Exits  R.) 

LARRY.  (Enters  from  L.  with  pair  of  shoes  in 
hand)  Where's  my  coat? 

HETTY.  (Puts  down  toast)  Where  did  you  have 
it  last? 

LARRY.  (Crossing  to  R.  of  table)  Wore  it 
Thursday.  I  remember  I  took  it  off  Thursday 
night  when  I  was  watering  the  lawn.  (Sits  R.  of 
table) 

HETTY.    Isn't  it  upstairs ?    (Going  L.) 


I4  THE  COMMUTERS. 

> 

LARRY.  Not  unless  you  stuck  it  away  somewhere. 
(HETTY  exits  L.  LARRY  putting  on  shoes,  tying 
laces)  Can't  put  anything  down  in  this  house, 
somebody's  always  picking  it  up.  (CARRIE 
enters  R.  with  tray  with  coffee,  milk,  and  cream, 
places  it  on  L.  end  of  table)  Wish  my  things  could 
be  left  alone.  (Finishing  tying  shoes) 

CARRIE.  I  never  touch  'em.  (Exits  R.  with  water- 
pitcher.  HETTY  enters  L.  with  LARRY'S  coat  and  hat 
— puts  hat  on  chair  above  door — brings  coat  to  him 
above  table — he  takes  it) 

LARRY.    Where  was  it? 

HETTY.  On  the  door  of  the  coat  closet.  (Crosses 
to  L.  of  table) 

LARRY.  You're  always  hanging  everything  up. 
^Throws  coat  on  back  of  his  chair,  fixes  his  tie  and 
putting  in  scarf-pin)  This  tie  looks  like  the  devil 
with  this  shirt. 

HETTY.  (Pouring  coffee)  Oh,  don't  be  fussy. 
Who's  going  to  look  at  your  tie?  Hurry  up  and 
drink  your  coffee.  (Brings  it  to  him  front  of  table) 

LARRY.  I  will  not  be  hounded  to  death  in  my  own 
house.  (Snatches  cup  from  her  and  places  it  on 
table — gets  coat  on)  No  eggs?  (Coat  half  on  and 
looking  at  table) 

HETTY.  You  haven't  time  for  eggs.  (LARRY 
sits,  HETTY  goes  up  L.) 

LARRY.    Not  even  scrambled  ? 

HETTY.    No. 

(LARRY  sits  and  shoves  his  plate  around,  HETTY 
is  looking  for  something.) 

LARRY.  Why  don't  you  sit  down  and  eat  your 
breakfast  ? 

HETTY.     I  can't  eat  with  walking  nervous  pros 
tration.    Don't  you  realize  your  boss  sailing  at  ten 
and  you  have  to  see  him.    Where  are  your  shoes  ? 
(Looking  under  chairs  over  L.) 


THE  COMMUTERS.  15 

LARRY.  I  had  them  when  I  came  in.  (Putting 
sugar  in  coffee,  picks  up  Herald.  HETTY,  looking 
around  for  them,  sees  them  on  LARRY) 

HETTY.    You  have  them  on. 

LARRY.  You  get  me  so  upset  in  the  morning. 
This  commuting  business  is  wearing  me  out.  (Props 
up  paper  against  glass) 

HETTY.    What  about  me? 

LARRY.  (Shaking  sugar  out  of  muffinier  on 
fruit)  Living  out  here  in  Yapville  when  we  might 
be  in  a  cozy  Harlem  flat  having  some  comforts  and 
an  egg  once  in  a  while.  (Slaps  muffimer  doww 
angrily.  Fixes  paper  against  muffinier) 

HETTY.  Who  made  my  life  miserable,  wishing  he 
had  a  little  place  with  a  garden?  (LARRY  reads 
paper)  And  now  that  you  have  it  (Takes  up  paper 
from  chair,  puts  it  on  table)  instead  of  planting  it, 
you  sit  up  all  night  with  Sammy  Fletcher  sowing 
a  lovely  crop  of  wild  oats.  (Sits  L.  of  table  J 

(Enter  MRS.  GRAHAM,  from  L.) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    Good-morning,  children. 
HETTY.    Good-morning. 

(Rises,  goes  to  her  kisses  her.) 

LARRY.  (Rises)  Hello,  Mater—  (They  kiss,  he 
'gets  chair  from  L.  above  door  and  places  it  for  her 
at  back  of  table)  Where  are  you  going? 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    To  town. 

HETTY.    What  for?    (Sits) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Not  a  thing.  Just  shopping. 
I'm  going  on  the  7:46  and  I  thought  I'd  stop 
for  dear  Larry.  (Sitting  back  of  table,  LARRY 
takes  her  coat  and  hangs  it  on  the  back  of  her  chair 
and  goes  R.) 

HETTY.  You'd  better  run  right  along,  mother. 
(Gets  muffinier)  Larry  won't  make  it  if  he  doesn't 
stop  sulking  and  eat  his  breakfast. 


16  THE  COMMUTERS. 

LARRY.  (Standing  R.  of  MRS.  GRAHAM)  I'm 
not  sulking. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    Come,  come,  children. 

LARRY.    Well,  she  won't  give  me  any  eggs. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    Oh,  give  the  boy  his  eggs. 

HETTY.  (Putting  muffinier  down)  He  hasn't 
time.  Mr.  Rathbone  is  sailing 

LARRY.  (Interrupting  in  sing-song  m:ce)  At 
ten  and  I  must  see  him.  (Sits  R.  of  table.  HETTY 
is  eating  fruit) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Looking  at  watch)  There's 
lots  of  time.  (Looks  at  clock  on  sideboard)  My 
dear,  your  clock's  crazy.  It's  ten  minutes  fast. 

LARRY.  (Looking  sternly  at  HETTY)  Can't  even 
keep  the  clock  right.  I  might  have  had  ten  minutes 
more  in  bed.  (HETTY  still  eating  fruit) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Poor  Larry.  (LARRY  rings  bell 
on  table) 

HETTY.  Poor  Larry !  No  one  thinks  of  me.  I've 
been  up  since  the  screech  of  dawn. 

(CARRIE  enters  R.) 

LARRY.  (Eating  fruit)    Eggs? 

CARRIE.  How  many? 

LARRY.  About  a  peck. 

HETTY.  (Severely)  How  do  you  wish  them 
prepared  ? 

LARRY.  Fried'll  do.     (Looking  at  CARRIE) 

CARRIE.  I'll  slip  you  mine — they're  frying  now — 
(Exits  R.) 

(LARRY  and  MRS.  GRAHAM  laugh.) 

HETTY.  You're  spoiling  Carrie.  I  want  you  to 
be  very  severe  with  her 

CARRIE.  (Puts  her  head  in  the  door  like  a  Child's 
waitress)  Two  on  the  pan,  sunny  side  up  or  sunny 
side  down  ? 


THE  COMMUTERS.  13 

LARRY.    What  ? 

CARRIE.    Will  you  have  'em  turned  ? 

LARRY.    Rare,  please 

(CARRIE    giggles    and    exits — LARRY    and    MRS. 
GRAHAM  laugh.) 

HETTY.  K  Is  that  what  you  call  being  severe? 
You're  lik^all  the  other  men.  They  kick  to  their 
wives  but  haven't  the  moral  courage  to  say  anything 
to  a  servant. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Now,  Hetty,  you  mustn't  talk 
like  that  to  Larry.  The  morning's  no  time  to  scold 
a  man. 

HETTY.  (Putting  aside  her  fruit  plate)  There 
you  go.  What's  the  use  of  trying  to  train  my  hus 
band  if  my  own  mother  spoils  it  all  by  petting  him  ? 
(Using  finger-bowl) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Now  Hetty,  you  know  I  never 
interfere  but  dear  Larry  has  always  been  the  best 
of  sons  to  me  and  a  good  son,  you  know 

LARRY.  Makes  a  good  husband — (/.  mds  empty 
coffee  cup  to  HETTY) 

HETTY.  Time  was  when  I  was  of  some  im 
portance  in  my  own  family.  My  feelings  were  con 
sidered — (Pouring  coffee)  but,  the  King  can  do  no 
wrong — (Passing  coffee  to  MRS.  GRAHAM  who  gives 
it  to  LARRY)  Mother's  quite  right,  of  course,  and 
I'm  very,  very  sorry  to  have  asked  you  to  do  what 
you  should  do  without  my  asking. 

(CARRIE  enters  quickly  with  covered  dish  of  fried 
eggs — she  places  eggs  near  LARRY,  takes  up  his 
empty  frmt  plate — Comes  back  of  MRS. 
GRAHAM  and  takes  up  HETTY'S  fruit  plate  and 
as  HETTY  is  about  to  take  cream  pitcher  CARRIE 
pantomimes  "No"  and  takes  the  pitcher.) 

CARRIE.     There's   just  enough  cream   for   Mr. 


i8  THE  COMMUTERS. 

Brice.  (Crosses  back  to  LARRY  and  places  it  for 
him,  smiling  at  him) 

HETTY.  There  was  half  a  pint  this  morning. 
What  became  of  it  ? 

CARRIE.  (Fruit  plate  in  each  hand)  The  cat  got 
it. 

LARRY.  (Who  has  started  to  pour  cream — stops) 
Milk  for  mine.  (Puts  it  down) 

CARRIE.  What's  the  matter  with  it  ?  Jeannette's 
a  perfectly  clean  cat.  (CARRIE  flounces  out  of  the 
room  R.) 

HETTY.  I  can't  stand  this  life  another  minute — 
(Turns  front  in  chair — begins  to  cry) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    Why,  Hetty! 

HETTY.  This  everlasting  servant  difficulty's  got 
ten  on  my  nerves.  I  guess  I'm  a  failure  at  house 
keeping. 

LARRY.  Well,  it's  taken  you  two  years  to  find  it 
out.  (Puts  milk  in  coffee) 

HETTY.  (To  MRS.  GRAHAM)  How  can  you  sit 
there  like  a  stoking  bottle  and  hear  your  child 
abused?  My  failure  thrown  in  my  teeth. 

LARRY.  I  didn't  mean  it  that  way.  (Puts  pitcher 
down) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Passing  milk  to  HETTY)  No, 
Hetty,  he  didn't  mean  it  that  way. 

HETTY.  (Taking  up  pitcher  of  milk)  Allow  me 
to  understand  my  own  husband.  (Puts  milk  in 
coffee) 

LARRY.  (Rising)  Why  you're  a  bully  little 
housekeeper.  Mater,  haven't  I  always  said  she  was 
a  corker? 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Of  course,  Larry,  you  have 
criticised  the  cooking 

'(LARRY  crosses  back  from  MRS.  GRAHAM  to  her  L.) 
HETTY.    There,  you  see,  you  talk  about  me  behind 


THE  COMMUTERS.  19 

my  back  to  my  own  family  and — (To  MRS. 
GRAHAM)  still  you  take  his  part. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Larry,  do  I  ever  show  the 
slightest  partiality? 

HETTY.  I'm  sure  I  wear  my  fingers  to  the  bone. 
(Turning  front  cries  again) 

LARRY.  (L.  of  her)  Dear  little  soft  fingers — 
(Puts  arm  around  her) 

HETTY.  They're  not.  Look  where  I  burnt  myself 
yesterday  cooking  your  old  pudding. 

LARRY.  We'll  kiss  it  and  make  it  well.  (Kisses 
her  finger) 

(MRS.  GRAHAM  rises  and  starts  to  tiptoe  off  R.) 

HETTY.  (Pouting)  I  don't  care — (She  sees  her 
mother  tiptoeing  out  of  the  room)  Mother,  what 
are  you  doingf? 

LARRY.  Say  the  word,  Hetty,  and  I'll  go  out  and 
fire  Carrie  on  the  spot.  (Goes  back  of  HETTY 
quickly  R.  c.) 

HETTY.    And  who'll  do  the  breakfast  dishes? 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Over  R.)  Isn't  that  just  like 
a  man?  You  two  finish  your  breakfast,  I'll  go  out 
and  say  a  few  words  to  Carrie 

HETTY.  Oh,  mother,  be  careful,  she'll  quit  if  you 
look  at  her. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Stuff  and  nonsense!  I've  had 
twenty  servants  since  I've  lived  in  Auburn  Manor 
and  I've  done  worse  than  look  at  them.  (Exits  R.) 

(LARRY  returns  to  R.  of  table  and  sits.) 

HETTY.  I'm  sorry  that  I  was  nasty,  Larry.  But, 
oh,  these  servants ! 

LARRY.  (Taking  eggs  out  of  dish)  Now  don't 
jump  on  me,  but  do  you  think  you  treat  them 
right? 


20  THE  COMMUTERS. 

HETTY.  (Angry,  but  controlling  herself)  What 
do  you  mean,  dear  ? 

LARRY.  You  know,  after  all,  they're  human 
beings 

HETTY.  (Turning  and  speaking  quickly)  I  try 
earnestly  to  remember  that.  (Takes  a  piece  of 
toast) 

LARRY.  They  must  lead  rather  lonesome  lives. 
(Takes  a  piece  of  toast)  I  think  you  ought  to  take 
a  little  interest  in  their  affairs.  Be  kind  to  them. 
Give  them  little  amusements.  There's  something 
wrong  somewhere.  (Eating)  Now,  we  have  no 
trouble  with  our  stenographers.  (Fixing  eggs) 

HETTY.  Oh,  so  you  take  a  little  interest  in  them, 
and  give  them  little  amusements.  (LARRY  tries  to 
protest  with  mouth  full  of  food)  Well,  I  can't  go 
round  my  house  making  eyes  at  my  maid,  and  chuck- 
fng  her  under  the  chin. 

LARRY.  I  don't  chuck  my  stenographer  under  the 
chin.  There  isn't  a  chin  in  the  office  worth  chuck 
ing.  (Eating  again)  Nice  way  to  talk  about  me. 
You  know  I  haven't  eyes  for  any  woman  but  you. 

HETTY.  Then  why  don't  you  stay  at  home  and 
look  at  me?  (Takes  a  piece  of  toast) 

LARRY.  Listen  to  her!  You'd  think  I  neglected 
her. 

HETTY.  Well,  you  weren't  home,  last  night,  were 
you? 

LARRY.    Neither  was  Rolliston. 

HETTY.  He's  been  married  longer  and  it's  more 
excusable. 

LARRY.    Fan  would  like  to  hear  that. 

HETTY.  It's  Fan's  affair,  I've  my  own  troubles. 
We've  been  out  here  only  a  year  and  you've  stayed 
in  town  four  nights. 

LARRY.    Three  at  the  most. 

HETTY.  Four.  I  counted  them  last  night.  I  have 
them  marked  on  the  calendar.  Four  red  letter  nights. 
(Counting  on  her  fingers) 


THE  COMMUTERS.  21 

LARRY.  (Takes  up  paper  and  begins  to  read) 
Do  you  want  a  man  to  give  up  his  men  friends  ? 

HETTY.  No,  but  you  ought  to  give  up  Sammy 
Fletcher.  Four  nights !  It's  terrible.  You're  get 
ting  tired  of  me.  (Begins  to  cry) 

LARRY.  (Looks  at  her — puts  down  paper)  Oh, 
Hetty,  tired  of  you,  I  just  live  and  work  for  you. 
You  know  that.  (Rises  and  crosses  back  to  her  L.) 
Why,  you're  more  to  me  than  all  the  friends  in  the 
world.  There  isn't  one  in  the  whole  blooming  lot 
that  matters  along  side  of  you. 

HETTY.     Not  even  Sammy? 

LARRY.    Sammy  to  the  ash-heap. 

HETTY.  Oh,  I  wouldn't  have  you  give  him  up  for 
the  world,  only  you  won't  see  him  again  for  a  long 
time — will  you  ? 

LARRY.  Not  for  a  month  of  Sundays.  (Puts  arm 
around  her) 

HETTY.  Well,  you're  a  real  nice  boy  and  you  may 
kiss  me.  (LARRY  kisses  her) 

ROLLISTON.  (Appears  at  window  c.)  Here, 
here,  if  you  kids  want  to  spoon,  pull  down  the  blinds. 

LARRY.  Say,  get  off  the  lawn !  (Running  up  to  L. 
of  c.  window) 

ROLLISTON.    Lawn:  where? 

LARRY.  You're  standing  on  it,  saphead.  There 
are  doors  to  this  house,  use  them. 

ROLLISTON.  Oh,  don't  get  sore  about  a  couple 
of  blades  of  grass.  (He  disappears  around  the 
house  R.  ) 

LARRY.  (Calling  after  him)  It's  easy  for  you  to 
talk.  You  haven't  watched  them  like  a  father.  I'll 
nail  this  window — (Coming  down  to  table) 

HETTY.    Why,  we'll  smother. 

ROLLISTON.  (Off-stage  R.)  Good-morning,  Mrs. 
Graham. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Off-stage  R.)  Good-morning, 
Mr.  Rolliston. 


22  THE  COMMUTERS. 

(LARRY  sits  R.  of  table.) 

CARRIE.  (Off-stage)  You  can't  go  in.  You  gotta 
to  be  announced.  (Appears  at  the  door,  barring 
the  entrance  of  ROLLISTON)  Mr.  Rolliston's  call 
ing. 

HETTY.    Don't  be  absurd,  Carrie.    Come  in  Rollie. 

(ROLLISTON  enters  followed  by  MRS.  GRAHAM  who 
gets  chair  at  R.  brings  it  down  R.  c.  and  sits.) 

CARRIE.  No  matter  what  you  do  in  this  house, 
you're  in  bad — (Exits) 

ROLLISTON.  (Runs  up  to  window  and  looks  off 
L.)  I  hope  Fan  didn't  see  me. 

HETTY.    Why  ? 

ROLLISTON.  I  started  to  make  the  7 : 23,  missed 
it.  Fan  said  I  would,  so  I  sneaked  in  here  by  the 
back  way.  I  don't  want  her  to  have  the  pleasure  of 
saying,  "  I  told  you  so." 

HETTY.  You  men  are  all  alike.  You'll  both  miss 
the  7 : 46  if  you  aren't  careful. 

ROLLISTON.  Oh,  lots  of  time.  Shippy  is  on  the 
porch.  (Looks  off  R.) 

LARRY.  (Takes  another  piece  of  toast)  Don't 
mind  Hetty,  she's  nervous  this  morning.  Had  me  up 
ten  minutes  too  soon. 

ROLLISTON.  Grounds  for  a  divorce.  Any  jury  of 
commuters  will  give  you  a  verdict.  (  Comes  down  L. 
and  puts  hat  on  chair  L.  below  door  L.) 

HETTY.  Mr.  Rathborn  is  sailing  at  ten  and  Larry 
must  see  him  before  he  goes.  (Turning  to  ROLLIS 
TON)  What  pleasure  do  you  men  derive  from  run 
ning  for  trains  ? 

ROLLISTON.    Great  for  the  circulation. 

'(LARRY,  ROLLISTON  and  MRS.  GRAHAM  laugh.) 
HETTY.    I  don't  think  that's  a  bit  funny. 


THE  COMMUTERS.  23 

ROLLISTON.    What's  killed  your  sense  of  humor? 

HETTY.    Early  rising.    (Looks  at  LARRY) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Now,  Hetty.  (To  ROLLISTON) 
How  is  Mrs.  Rolliston  ? 

ROLLISTON.  Well — but  some  peevish.  (Strok 
ing  his  face) 

HETTY.  I  don't  wonder,  you  staying  out  all 
night. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Interrupting)  Oh,  Hetty. 
(To  ROLLISTON)  How  is  Rolliston  second? 

(LARRY  and  HETTY  glare  at  MRS.  GRAHAM.) 

ROLLISTON.  Bobby?  (Coming  back  of  table\ 
Oh,  he's  great.  He  is  certainly  one  wonder  kid, 
Heard  his  latest? 

(LARRY,  HETTY  and  MRS.  GRAHAM  grow  tired.)] 

LARRY.     Sure,  heard  'em  all. 
ROLLISTON.    Not  this  one,  only  happened  yester 
day. 
LARRY.    (Resigned)    Fire  away ! 

(ROLLISTON  sits  back  of  table.) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  I  think  we  should  be  going—? 
(Rising  quickly) 

LARRY.  (Rising,  stops  her,  she  sits  again)  Oh, 
mater,  let  him  get  this  off  his  chest.  (Goes  to  side 
board  R.  for  cigarette  and  matches) 

ROLLISTON.  The  kids  were  playing  baseball.  The 
minister  passed.  (He  laughs  uproariously)  That 
kid's  a  wonder — (HETTY,  MRS.  GRAHAM  and  LARRY 
wear  pained  expressions)  Bobby  goes  up  to  the 
minister — (ROLLISTON  laugh  uproariously  again. 
LARRY  interrupting) 

LARRY.  (Offering  ROLLISTON  a  cigarette  which 
he  refuses  with  a  gesture)  Is  this  a  serial? 


24  THE  COMMUTERS. 

ROLLISTON.  It's  so  funny.  Bobby  says  are  you 
an  honest  man  ? — and — the 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Interrupting)  Why,  I've  never 
heard  a  word  against  the  minister,  have  you  Hetty  ? 

ROLLISTON.  (Interrupting)  The  minister  said  I 
think  I  am,  and  Bobby  said — (ROLLISTON  laughs  up 
roariously,  the  others  are  still  tired)  And  Bobby 
said,  well,  you  can  hold  my  bat  while  I  tie  my 
shoe.  (He  has  spoken  the  answer  through  the  laugh 
and  it  is  quite  unintelligible — ROLLISTON  sees  that 
they  are  not  laughing  and  is  annoyed) 

HETTY.    We  didn't  get  the  point. 

ROLLISTON.  Oh!  Minister — Honest  Man — well, 
you  can  hold  my  bat  while  I  tie  my  shoe.  (Laughs 
again) 

(HETTY  and  LARRY  laugh  feebly,  MRS.  GRAHAM  not 
at  all.) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  What  a  thing  to  say  to  a  minister ! 
The  crying  evil  of  this  age  is  the  children's  utter 
lack  of  reverence. 

ROLLISTON.  Fan's  going  to  send  it  to  the  Ladies 
Home  Journal.  Don't  you  think  it's  funny?  (To 
HETTY)  Minister?  (To  LARRY)  Honest  Man? 

LARRY.  (Interrupting)  We  got  you,  we  got 
you.  (Sits  R.  of  table) 

COLTON.     (Off-stage  L.)     Anybody  at  home? 

HETTY.  Oh,  come  in,  Mr.  Colton.  (Rises  and 
goes  to  door  L.) 

(Enter  COLTON.    In  his  arms  are  two  boxes.    He 
bows  over  the  top  of  them  to  everybody.) 

COLTON.    I  did  ring. 

(HETTY  takes  his  hat  and  places  it  on  chair  above 
door  L.) 


THE  COMMUTERS.  J$ 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    Good-morning,  Mr.  Colton. 

COLTON.    Good-morning. 

ROLLISTON.    Hello,  Colton. 

COLTON.    Hello,  Rollie. 

LARRY.  Sit  down,  Willie.  (He  sits  in  chair  L.  of 
table  and  places  the  boxes  on  floor  beside  him) 

COLTON.  (To  HETTY  who  is  down  L.)  Mrs. 
Colton  sent  me  over  to  ask  if  you  could  take  the 
Minerva  Club  this  afternoon? 

HETTY.  Why,  yes,  if  Carrie  doesn't  object. 
What's  the  matter? 

COLTON.    The  lady  we  live  with  has  left. 

HETTY.    Not  the  one  that  came  last  night? 

COTON.    The  same — too  lonesome. 

ROLLISTON.  You  ought  to  be  more  companion 
able. 

COLTON.  I  offered  to,  but  Mrs.  Colton  couldn't 
see  it  that  way. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  You'd  better  go  right  to  Mrs. 
Hackenschmidt.  She's  on  the  6th  Ave. — I  think  it's 

HETTY.  (Interrupting)  Oh,  mother,  I  never 
had  any  luck  there.  (To  COLTON)  Go  right  to  Ellis 
Island. 

ROLLISTON.  (Interrupting)  Try  Mrs.  Folk's 
Select  Domestic  Bureau  up  on  59th  Street  near  the 
Park.  Reduced  Gentlewomen.  Occasionally  you'll 
meet  an  interesting  Southern  widow. 

(Exchange  of  looks  between  MRS.  GRAHAM  and 
HETTY.) 

COLTON.  (Takes  out  notebook)  I'll  make  a  note 
of  Mrs.  Folk's.  (Drops  samples  on  table) 

ROLLISTON.  (Snatches  samples  and  holding  them 
up)  Larry  wouldn't  you  know  he  hadn't  been 
married  a  month  ?  Samples  to  match. 

(  COLTON  reaches  for  them  and  snatches  them  emt  of 


26  THE  COMMUTERS. 

LARRY.  Can't  you  see  him.  "  Say,  Miss,  I  want 
some  heliotrope  lace  on  the  bias.  Gimme  enough  to 
trim  a  waist." 

MRS.  GRAHAM.     (Laughing)     Larry  behave. 

ROLLISTON.     What's  in  the  package? 

LARRY.  (Rising  and  looking  at  package)  I'll  bet 
he's  going  to  exchange  something. 

COLTON.  I  am  not — only  going  to  credit  a  pair  of 
slippers  and  a  shirt  waist. 

(LARRY  and  ROLLISTON  laugh  uproariously.    LARRY 
sits.) 

HETTY.  (Coming  above  COLTON  and  between 
COLTON  and  ROLLISTON)  It  wouldn't  hurt  either 
of  you  to  be  as  obliging.  (To  COLTON)  Will  you 
'phone  Mrs.  Crane  about  the  club? 

COLTON.  Yes,  I'll  attend  to  it.  (Writes  in  note 
book) 

LARRY.  I  can  see  this  is  going  to  be  your  busy 
day. 

HETTY.  (Comes  over  to  MRS.  GRAHAM  on  her 
L.)  Well  I  must  go  out  and  break  it  gently  to  Car 
rie  that  I'm  going  to  have  a  party.  Mother  will 
come  with  me.  I  need  your  moral  support  in  this 
crisis. 

(MRS.  GRAHAM  rises — goes  R.    HETTY  puts  MRS. 
GRAHAM'S  chair  against  wall  R.) 

ROLLISTON.  Who's  Mrs.  Crane  when  she's  at 
home? 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Mrs.  Julia  Stickney  Crane,  a 
most  enlightened  woman.  She  gives  us  the  most  in 
structive  little  talks  on  Shaw  and  Ibsen  and  Henry 
James  and  all  those  funny  men. 

LARRY.    Highbrow  stuff. 

HETTY  (L.  of  mother)  Don't  let  them  tease 
you,  mother.  Of  course  our  literary  pursuits  must 


THE  COMMUTERS.  27 

seem  tame  to  graduates  of  Sammy  Fletcher's  night 
school  for  husbands. 

COLTON.    What's  that  ?    Sounds  good  to  me. 

ROLLISTON.    You're  elected. 

HETTY.    Poor  Mrs.  Colton ! 

ROLLISTON.  Come  now,  Hetty,  all  is  not  frivolity 
at  our  night  school.  You  should  have  heard  Larry 
last  night. 

HETTY.    I  did  at  2  A.  M. 

LARRY.     You  were  fast  asleep. 

ROLLISTON.  We  had  some  debate.  Larry,  for 
conjugal  bliss  and  commuting  versus.  Sammy  for 
bachelor  flats  and  taxicabs.  Larry  offered  to 
prove  his  case  by  bringing  Sammy  out  to  spend  the 
day.  (MRS.  GRAHAM  exits  R.)  Why 

HETTY.  (Interrupting)  What!  Mr.  Samuel 
Fletcher  spend  a  day  in  my  house.  No,  thank  you. 
I've  had  all  I  want  of  your  Sammy.  (Exits  R.) 

ROLLISTON.  Say,  Larry,  what  did  you  do  with 
him? 

LARRY.    What  him? 

ROLLISTON.     Sammy  ? 

LARRY.    Sammy  ? 

ROLLISTON.  Why,  you  brought  Sammy  out  here 
last  night. 

LARRY.    Oh,  what  are  you  talking  about  ? 

ROLLISTON.  I  tell  you,  you  and  Sammy  were 
soused  to  the  eyebrows  and  you  insisted  on  Sammy 
coming  out  to  sample  the  commuter's  life. 

LARRY.    Are  you  crazy? 

ROLLISTON.  I  left  you  last  night  at  your  front 
gate.  You  were  showing  Sammy  the  lawn.  Oh, 
Colton,  they  were  immense. 

LARRY.  (Rising  quickly  and  pointing  off  L.) 
Good  Lord !  He's  upstairs  in  the  spare  room,  now. 

ROLLISTON.    How  did  Hetty  take  it? 

LARRY.  She  doesn't  know.  I  forgot  all  about 
him.  I  must  have  been  pickled.  I've  got  to 
get  him  out  of  here  quick.  (Crosses  quickly  L.) 


28  THE  COMMUTERS. 

ROLLISTON.  Here!  You  better  stay  home  to 
day  and  square  yourself. 

LARRY.  I  can't.  Rathbone's  sailing  at  ten  and  if 
I  miss  that  boat  I'll  lose  my  meal  ticket.  What  in 
blazes  can  I  do? 

ROLLISTON.    Break  it  to  her  gently. 

LARRY.  (Crosses  to  him)  Break  it  to  her  gently ! 
You  heard  her  when  you  merely  suggested  his 
coming.  What  will  she  say  if  she  knows  he's  here 
uninvited  ?  (  Goes  L.  ) 

ROLLISTON.  Of  course,  you  know  your  own  wife 
best.  But  if  it  were  me  I'd  tell  her. 

LARRY.  (Standing  L.  c.)  And  lose  my  happy 
home?  (Goes  to  ROLLISTON)  I've  just  promised 
her  I  wouldn't  see  him  for  months.  (Back  L.  c. 
again) 

COLTON.  And  he's  upstairs?  (Screams  with 
laughter) 

LARRY.    Funny,  isn't  it? 

ROLLISTON.    It  is,  damn  funny — (Laughs) 

LARRY.  Don't  sit  here  and  laugh.  I  tell  you  I've 
got  to  get  Sammy  out  of  here.  Hetty  might  see  him. 
How  can  I  get  her  out  of  the  house? 

COLTON.  Suggest  that  she  go  over  and  tell  Mrs. 
Colton  it's  all  right  about  Minerva. 

LARRY.  One  on  the  brow  for  you.  (Kisses  his 
hand  and  slaps  COLTON  on  forehead) 

ROLLISTON.  Think  of  that  for  a  young  husband 
new  at  the  game !  Shake. 

( COLTON  and  ROLLISTON  shake.) 

LARRY.  (Between  ROLLISTON  and  COLTON) 
Now,  business  of  conversation  and  hearty  laughter 
while  I  chase  upstairs.  (Starts  for  door  L.) 

ROLLISTON.     I'll  tell  him  Bobby's  new  story. 

COLTON.  Let  me  go  upstairs — (Rises  quickly  and 
starts  to  run  off) 

LARRY.     (Stopping  him  and  pushing  him  back 


THE  COMMUTERS.  29 

into  chair)  It  is  awful,  Colt  on.  Do  this  for  me  and 
I'll  remember  you  in  my  prayers.  (Starts  for  door 
again) 

HETTY.  (Entering  quickly  from  R.)  Where  are 
you  going,  Larry? 

LARRY.  (Confused)  I've  got  to  get  a  handker 
chief. 

HETTY.  Finish  your  coffee.  I'll  get  it.  (Crosses 
quickly  L.) 

LARRY.  (Rushes  at  her.  Stops  her)  Oh,  no, 
you've  been  up  so  early.  You  must  be  tired. 

HETTY.  (Suspiciously)  Why  this  sudden  con 
sideration?  What  have  you  been  doing? 

LARRY.  Oh,  nothing,  nothing — (Brings  chair 
and  places  it  L.  c.)  Sit  down  and  rest  awhile  and 
talk  to  the  boys.  Rolliston  is  going  to  tell  Colton 
the  story. 

HETTY.  No,  I'd  rather  go.  (Rises  and  starts  for 
door) 

COLTON.     They're  walking  out  on  you,  Rollie. 

HETTY.  There  must  be  some  handkerchiefs  in 
the  spare-room.  (Turns  to  go  out) 

LARRY.  (Snatching  handkerchief  from  COLTON'S 
pocket)  Here,  I  have  one.  Put  it  in  the  wrong 
pocket.  Ha!  Ha!  (Goes  up  to  window  c.) 

HETTY.  (Sitting  in  chair  L.  c.)  I  don't  want  to 
seem  inhospitable  but  I  think  you  gentlemen  had 
better  go. 

LARRY.  (Looking  out  window)  Oh,  Shippy's 
still  there. 

COLTON.    How  about  the  club,  Mrs.  Brice? 

LARRY.  (Down  to  her  quickly)  I  think  I'd  run 
over  and  tell  Mrs.  Colt  on 's  it's  all  right,  dearie. 

HETTY.  Why,  I  can  telephone  her  later.  Do  you 
want  to  get  rid  of  me  ? 

LARRY.  Oh,  no — not  at  all — (Back  of  table  to 
R.  c. — taking  a  cigarette  from  box  on  table  as  he 
passes  to  R.  c.) 


30  THE  COMMUTERS. 

HETTY.  Oh,  I  wish  you'd  go,  Larry.  It  makes 
me  so  nervous. 

COLTON.    How  did  Carrie  take  it? 

HETTY.  She  isn't  exactly  frantic  with  joy.  My 
temper  was  going,  so  mother  suggested  that  I  re 
tire  from  the  scene  of  war. 

LARRY.  (Running  quickly  across  in  front  of  table 
to  HETTY  and  back  of  her)  Do  you  think  it's  right 
to  leave  your  mother  out  there  in  the  kitchen  alone 
to  fight  your  battles?  (Trying  to  get  her  out  of 
chair) 

HETTY.    Why  not?    She's  enjoying  it. 

ROLLISTON.  (To  COLTON)  Bobby  met  the 
minister.  (Grabbing  COUPON'S  arm.  COLTON  tries 
to  shake  him  off) 

LARRY.  (Interrupting — trying  to  make  HETTY 
rise)  Why  don't  you  put  on  your  hat  and  walk  on 
ahead  with  the  mater?  Do  you  good  to  get  a  little 
air.  Then  on  the  way  home,  you  can  stop  at  Mrs. 
Colton's. 

HETTY.  I've  had  enough  exercise  for  one  morn 
ing.  (LARRY  in  despair  goes  up  to  window,  then 
down  L.  c.) 

ROLLISTON.    Bobby  met  the  minister 

COLTON.    (To  LARRY)    You'd  better  tell  her. 

APPLEBEE.  (Appears  at  window  c.)  Anybody 
hurt? 

LARRY.    (Up  to  window)    Say,  get  off  that  lawn! 

APPLEBEE.    What  lawn?    Who's  hurt? 

LARRY.    You'll  be  in  a  minute. 

APPLEBEE.    What's  the  accident? 

LARRY.  There'll  be  one  if  you  don't  get  off  that 
lawn. 

APPLEBEE.  (Coming  in  through  window)  Madge 
saw  Rolliston  and  Colton  come  in  and  thought  some 
thing  had  happened. 

HETTY.    Everything's  all  right. 

LARRY.    All  right! 

APPLEBEE.    (Coming  down  to  R.  of  table)    I  wish 


THE  COMMUTERS.  '31 

Madge  would  keep  away  from  the  front  windows 
and  let  a  man  have  his  breakfast  in  peace.  (Sits) 

LARRY.  (Comes  down  grabs  HETTY)  Why, 
Hetty — get  Mr.  Applebee  a  cup  of  coffee — (Run 
ning  her  off  R.) 

HETTY.    I — I 

LARRY.  You  wouldn't  see  a  man  starving  in  your 
own  house?  (HETTY  exits  R. — LARRY  crosses  back 

tOL.) 

ROLLISTON.  The  kid  said  to  the  minister — you 
haven't  heard  this,  Applebee 

LARRY.  (Coming  to  ROLLISTON'S  L.)  Oh,  dry 
up  on  that  kid.  Now  listen  to  me.  Rollie  you  wait 
for  the  mater  and  take  her  to  the  train.  I'll  sneak 
Sammy  out  the  front  way.  Tell  Hetty  I've  gone 
on — see 

(Enter  CARRIE  with  coffee  cup  followed  by  MRS. 
GRAHAM.) 

CARRIE.  Oh,  Mr.  Brice,  Mr.  Shipman  ain't 
taking  the  train  to-day.  (Train  whistles  off  L.) 

r( APPLEBEE  jumps — dashes  through  window  at  back. 
COLTON  grabs  boxes  and  dashes  for  hat  which 
is  on  chair  at  left  above  door  L.  He  collides 
with  ROLLISTON  who  is  dashing  for  hat  on  chair 
L.  below  door  L.  LARRY  stands  L.  of  table 
irresolute.  COLTON  grabs  hat,  rushes  for 
window,  collides  with  LARRY  who  getting  out  of 
COLTON'S  way  bumps  into  ROLLISTON— COLTON 
exits  through  window.) 

LARRY.    Damn  Rathbone — — 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Coming  on  quickly  from  R.) 
Oh,  boys,  wait  for  me 

LARRY.  (Talking  over  shoulder  as  he  exits) 
Tell  Mrs.  Brice  it's  all  right — Man  upstairs — tele 
phone — (MRS.  GRAHAM  rushes  up  to  window. 
ROLLISTON  R.  LARRY  L.  of  her.  They  each  grab  her. 


32  THE  COMMUTERS. 

by  the  elbow  and  the  three  jump  out  of  the  window. 
As  HETTY  runs  on  from  R.) 

HETTY.      There's    the    train  —  (Up    to    window, 
stands  there  at  window)    Say,  get  off  that  lawn  - 

(CARRIE  places  cup  on  table  —  goes  to  sideboard  R. 
with  cigarette  box.  SAMMY  enters  L.  in  evening 
dress.  ) 


CARRIE.    (Turns  sees  LARRY.    Screams)    Help! 
Help! 

(HETTY  turns,  sees  LARRY,  screams  and  rushes  over 
to  CARRIE  R.  They  stand  there  in  each  other's 
arms  screaming.  LARRY  smiling  foolishly  at 
them.)  ^t 

CURTAIN. 


ACT  II. 


SCENE: — The    living-room    of    the   BRICE    home. 

TIME  : — Afternoon  of  the  same  day.  It  is  a  square 
room,  the  walls  being  treated  in  a  manner 
similar  to  those  of  the  dining-room,  except 
that  the  wall  paper  is  different  in  design  and 
color.  At  R.  2  E.  is  a  window  with  valence  and 
curtains.  In  front  of  the  window  is  an  arm 
chair.  Above  the  window  on  an  angle  is  a 
fireplace  with  fender  fireirons,  fire  screen  and 
andirons.  On  the  mantel  are  vases  of  flowers, 
photograph  frames  and  a  small  clock.  On  the 
breast  of  the  mantel  electric  brackets  with 
shades.  At  R.  of  fireplace,  between  it  and  the 
window  is  a  small  round  table  on  which  is  a  tall 
vase  of  flowers,  book  ends  with  books,  cigarette 


THE  COMMUTERS.  83 

box  and  match  stand.  On  the  wall  above  table 
is  a  push  button.  On  the  wall  below  window  R. 
is  an  electric  switch.  At  right  angles  to  the 
fireplace  a  couch  with  pillows.  Back  of  it  a 
long  table  on  which  is  a  lamp  with  shade,  a 
desk  set,  a  telephone,  writing  materials,  etc., 
and  two  small  vases  of  flowers.  Back  of  this 
table  a  small  chair.  At  R.  center  back  are 
double  glass  doors  leading  to  a  veranda  with 
a  low  balustrade.  On  the  veranda,  on  each  side 
of  the  door,  is  a  pot  containing  a  formal  box  tree. 
At  R.  of  door  is  a  small  table  with  a  tall  vase  of 
flowers.  At  L.  against  the  stairway,  is  a  narrow 
consol  on  which  are  a  parasol,  gloves,  etc. 
Underneath  the  table  a  large  and  gaily  colored 
market  basket.  Starting  from  the  center  of  the 
stage  and  a  little  L.  of  c.  a  flight  of  stairs 
leads  up  and  to  L.  to  a  balcony.  From  the 
balcony  are  two  doors  leading  from  about 
L.  i  E.  and  L.  2  E.  to  the  bedroom.  These 
doors  have  interior  backings.  In  the  wall  above 
the  landing  is  a  high  window  with  valence  and 
curtains.  On  the  landing  is  a  copper  vessel 
with  growing  ferns.  Underneath  the  balcony 
at  L.  of  stage  are  double  glass  doors  leading^  to 
dining-room.  The  backing  for  these  doors  is  a 
part  of  the  first  act-set.  Above  the  doors  and 
underneath  the  stairs  is  a  coat  closet  in  which 
are  coats,  etc.  At  R.  of  the  closet  against  the 
wall,  is  a  small  table  with  lamp  and  shade  and 
vase  of  flowers.  At  L.  c.  is  a  large  square  table 
on  which  are  magazines,  a  bowl  of  flowers,  and 
a  picture  puzzle.  There  is  an  armchair  L.  of 
table,  an  armchair  R.  of  table  and  a  small  chair 
back  of  table.  At  the  rise  of  curtain  at  c.  of 
stage  is  a  small  round  table  used  by  MRS.  CRANE 
for  the  notes  and  later  placed  by  HETTY  against 
the  wall  L.  below  the  doors  to  dining-room.  The 
furnishings  and  decorations  of  this  room  should 


34  THE  COMMUTERS. 

be  simple  but  exquisite  in  taste.  At  the  rise  of 
the  curtain  are  disclosed  standing  in  the  center 
of  the  room,  MRS.  JULIA  STICKNEY  CRANE — 
seated  facing  her  from  R.  to  L.  are:  MRS.  SHIP- 
MAN,  MRS.  COLTON,  MRS.  GRAHAM,  MRS. 
APPLEBEE,  HETTY  BRICE,  MRS.  ROLLISTON — 
they  are  listening  with  rapt  attentin  to  MRS. 
CRANE — MRS.  GRAHAM  is  fanning  herself 
vigorously — MRS.  APPLEBEE  languidly. 

Before  rise  of  curtain  MRS.  CRANE'S  voice * 

MRS.  CRANE.  (Standing  c.)  When  we  get  to 
the  bottom  of  the  question,  we  find  that  the  lawn- 
makers  want  woman  to  be  restricted  to  one  sort  of 
work — (Curtain  rises)  And  I  say  to  you,  women 
of  the  Minerva  Association  for  the — the — (Consul- 
ting  notes — All  ladies  leaning  forward)  promul 
gation  of  Higher  Civic  Ideals — woman  has  been  en 
slaved  too  long  by  man,  bound  in  the  chains  of 
economic  subjection.  (She  pauses  impressively  and 
then  consults  notes) 

MRS.  COLTON.  (Seated  R.  end  of  couch,  to  MRS. 
Graham)  What  does  economic  mean? 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Seated  L.  end  of  couch,  to  MRS. 
COLTON)  My  dear,  Mrs.  Colton,  I  haven't  the 
vaguest  idea. 

MRS.  CRANE.    You  wives 

MRS.  COLTON.  (Interrupting*)  Excuse  me,  Mrs. 
Crane — what  does  economic  mean? 

MRS.  CRANE.    Why,  the  economical 

MRS.  COLTON.  (Interrupting)  Excuse  me,  Mrs. 
Crane  Pm  very  economical.  Willie,  Mr.  Colton  is. 
Willie,  says  it's  wonderful  the  way  I  manage  with 
money.  You  see,  I  charge  everything. 

(The  other  women  with  the  exception  of  MRS.  GRA 
HAM  look  annoyed  at  the  interruption — MRS. 
GRAHAM  pats  MRS.  COLTON'S  hand) 


THE  COMMUTERS.  35 

.  MRS.  CRANE.  (Scornfully)  You  wives  are 
merely  the  subjects  of  your  husband's  bounty,  strike 
off  those  chains.  (Her  eye  happens  to  fall  on  MRS. 
SHIPMAN) 

MRS.  SHIPMAN.  (Seated  in  chair  extreme  R. 
nettled)  Really,  if  you  mean  me,  I'm  not  in  chains, 
I'd  like  to  see  any  man  try  it. 

MRS.  CRANE.  (Witheringly)  My  dear  Mrs. 
Shipman,  the  individual  must  not  be  confounded 
with  the  masses.  (Turns  to  notes) 

MRS.  SHIPMAN.  Certainly  not.  (MRS.  CRANE 
turns  to  her)  I've  no  intention  of  being  confounded 
with  the  masses.  My  mother  was  one  of  the  Colon 
ial  Dames  and  my  father  on  his  step-father's  side 
comes  right  down  from  the  Mayflower.  (She  draws 
herself  up  proudly) 

MRS.  CRANE.  (Annoyed)  Where  was  I?  (Con 
sulting  notes)  Special  sale  of  French  models — no — 
Woman  has  been  enslaved — Oh,  yes,  woman  has  too 
long  been  treated  as  a  mere  toy 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  (Seated  R.  of  table  L.  c.  In 
terrupting)  As  Byron  said:  "Woman  is  the 
drudge  of  the  universe." 

MRS.  CRANE.  I  think  that  pearl  of  great  price 
dropped  from  the  lips  of  our  eminent  Leader,  Mrs. 
Parkhurst. 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  Possibly  I  read  so  much.  As 
Mr.  Applebee  says,  Madge  always  has  her  nose  in  a 
book. 

MRS.  CRANE.  Truly  as  (MRS.  APPLEBEE  makes 
movement  us  if  about  to  speak)  whoever  says  it — we 
needn't  go  into  that — woman  is  the  drudge  of  the 
universe.  She  slaves  over  all  the  stoves  in  Christen 
dom. 

FAN.  (Seated  L.  of  table  L.  c.)  What's  she 
going  to  do.  You  can't  keep  a  servant  for  love  or 
money  in  the  suburbs.  Really,  the  way  they  object 
to  childern  and  who  could  object  to  Bobby. 

MRS.  CRANE.    That's  it.    The  present  economical 


36  THE  COMMUTERS. 

treatment  of  women  is  inimical  to  the  development 
of  the  race.  Motherhood  is  really  a  profesion,  the 
same  as  that  of  the  butcher,  the  baker,  the 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  (Interrupting)  "The  Candle 
stick  Maker."  From  Dante,  I  think. 

FAN.  (To  MRS.  CRANE)  It's  easily  seen,  Mrs. 
Crane,  you're  not  a  mother. 

MRS.  CRANE.  My  dear,  Mrs.  Rolliston,  while  I 
may  have  negelcted  my  opportunity  in  that  field  of 
endeavor,  nevertheless,  one  must  not  narrow  life 
down  to  the  limits  of  the  nursery.  It's  only  by  an 
effort  that  the  average  mother  remembers  that  little 
Lucy's  prettiness  and  little  Bobby's  precocious  prat 
tle  are  not  as  engrossing  topics  to  all  men  as  they 
are  to  her. 

FAN.  (Rising)  Are  you  being  personal,  Mrs. 
Crane  ?  Bobby's  a  very  bright  boy  for  his  age,  but  I 
never  knew  before  that  I  bored  people  with  his  "pre 
cocious  prattle." 

HETTY.  (Rises)  I'm  sure,  Fan,  Mrs.  Crane 
didn't  mean  your  Bobby.  (MRS.  ROLLISTON  sits) 

MRS.  CRANE.  I  didn't  even  know  that  Mrs.  Rol 
liston  had  a  Bobby — we'll  call  him  Sammy — Sammy 
— (Consults  notes — suddenly  SAMMY  FLETCHER 
pokes  his  head  out  of  the  spare  room  door — he  is  in 
his  evening  trousers,  dress  shirt,  and  a  red  four-in- 
hand  tie — HETTY  sees  him,  and  motions  him  back 
into  room — she  sits  again)  These  interruptions — 
while  showing  your  keen  appreciation  of  my  humble 
efforts  to  illustrate  woman's  true  place  in  the  world. 
(She  pauses  and  looks  over  notes  carefully) 

MRS.  COLTON.  (To  MRS.  GRAHAM)  She  said 
that  before. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (To  MRS.  COLTON)  Hush,  my 
dear,  don't  let  her  lose  the  thread  or  she'll  never  get 
through. 

MRS.  CRANE.  I  do  not  regard  women  as  mere 
chattels,  and  when  I  mentioned  earlier  in  this  little 


THE  COMMUTERS.  37 

talk  about  holding  all  things  in  common,  I  did  not 
mean  communal  ownership  of  wives. 

MRS.  SHIPMAN.    I  should  hope  not. 

MRS.  COLTON.    I  don't  think  I  understand. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  It  isn't  proper  for  you  to  under 
stand — (Rises)  Really,  Hetty  I  think  we  should 
excuse  Mrs.  Colton. 

MRS.  COLTON.    I  don't  want  to  be  excused. 

(MRS.  GRAHAM  sits  again.) 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  As  Maeterlinck  says — "  Strong 
meat  for  babes." 

MRS.  COLTON.  I'm  not  a  baby — (Rises  and  comes 
to  MRS.  CRANE'S  R.)  I'm  a  married  woman  now 
and  can  hear  anything.  (To  MRS.  CRANE)  What's 
communal  ownership  ? 

MRS.  CRANE.  The  communal  ownership  of 
wives  means  the  joint  ownership. 

MRS.  COLTON.  But,  I  don't  want  to  belong  to 
anyone  but  Willie.  (She  breaks  down  and  cries) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Rises  and  takes  MRS.  COLTON'S 
back  to  her  seat)  I  knew  this  lecture  would  be  too 
much  for  her. 

MRS.  CRANE.  (Very  much  annoyed,  but  with 
acid  sweetness)  Ladies,  ladies,  I  cannot  restrain 
my  thoughts  on  these  burning  issues  of  the  hour  to 
the  level  of  the  school  girl. 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  Ah,  Mrs.  Crane,  your  thoughts 
are  Art's  true  expression  and  all  art  is  immoral. 

MRS.  CRANE.  Exactly — (Looking  at  notes) 
Why  should  a  woman  sit  quietly  by  the  domestic 
hearth.  That  is  part  of  the  monstrous  waste  that 
goes  on  in  the  world.  She  should  step  boldly  forth 
and  seize  her  share,  her  glorious  share  in  its  better 
ment. 

FAN.    What  of  her  children? 

MRS.  CRANE.  She  should  not  be  a  slave  to  her 
children.  (MRS.  SHIPMAN  looks  at  watch  and  edges 
to  her  chair)  for  in  conclusion — (Everybody  looks 


38  THE  COMMUTERS. 

relieved  and  sinks  back  in  their  seats)  I  must  im 
press  on  you  the  great  truth,  the  wonderful  truth 
which  must  be  borne  in  mind  when  you  think  of 
devoting  your  life  to  your  family  to  the  neglect  of 
the  suffering  humanity.  You  must  remember  and 
ponder  on  this  sublime  and  immortal  truth,  that,  the 
youngest  child,  even  if  it  lives,  must  grow  up.  (She 
pauses  impressively,  the  women  are  a  little  taken 
back  and  then  applaud) 

(MRS.  SHIPMAN  looking  at  watch  rises  precipitately 
and  comes  R.  of  c.) 

HETTY.  (Rises  and  meets  her  L.  of  c.)  Oh, 
you're  not  going,  Mrs.  Shipman  ? 

MRS.  SHIPMAN.  I  must,  really;  it's  been  so  in 
structive,  Mrs.  Crane.  (MRS.  CRANE  who  has  gone 
up  to  table,  at  back  of  couch,  to  get  her  wrap  comes 
down  R.  of  MRS.  SHIPMAN)  I  agree  with  you  per 
fectly.  Women  must  not  be  tied  to  the  Home  Circle 
but  I've  a  new  maid  and  I'm  a  little  worried  about 
the  dinner.  (HETTY  takes  small  stand  and  places  it 
over  L.)  and  my  husband's  so  fussy  about  his  food. 
My!  It's  five  o'clock.  It's  high  time  the  potatoes 
were  on.  (HETTY  returns  to  L.  of  c.  MRS.  SHIP- 
MAN  bows  to  the  ladies  and  to  MRS.  CRANE,  and 
exits  c.  and  R.  hurriedly — HETTY  goes  to  door  zvith 
her) 

MRS.  CRAHE.  (Coming  c.)  Oh,  the  passion  of 
discouragement  that  seizes  me  when  I  perceive  the 
utter  hopelessness  of  going  on  with  my  great  task 
in  a  world  full  of  Mrs.  Shipmans. 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  (Rising  and  coming  to  MRS. 
CRANE)  My  dear,  do  not  give  up  your  brave 
struggle.  (Brings  her  down  to  chair  from  zvhich 
MRS.  APPLEBEE  has  risen.  MRS.  CRANE  sits,  MRS. 
APPLEBEE  stands  R.  cf  her)  Continue  to  scatter 
your  little  seeds  of  discontent  (MRS.  CRANE  gives 


THE  COMMUTERS.  39 

her  her  hand)  for  as  Bernard  Shaw  says :  "  Great 
trees  from  little  acorns  grow."  (HETTY  comes  down 
R.  of  c.) 

MRS.  COLTON.  (Rises  and  comes  to  HETTY  R.) 
I  must  be  going,  Mrs.  Brice. 

HETTY.    Why? 

MRS.  COLTON.  Willie  might  come  home  and  if 
I'm  not  there  he'll  be  so  lonesome. 

FAN.  My  dear,  take  it  from  an  old  married 
woman,  begin  now  as  you  intend  to  go  on. 

HETTY.  (Leading  MRS.  COLTON  to  chair  down 
R.  MRS.  APPLEBEE  goes  up  to  R.  of  c.)  Wait, 
my  dear,  until  you've  looked  for  a  husband  on  the 
6:13 — and  then  when  you  see  him  dead  and 
mangled — (MRS.  COLTON  sits)  he  strolls  in  at  7:45 
serene  and  smiling,  and  sulks  because  you're  not 
glad  to  see  him.  (Sits  on  couch  R.  of  MRS.  GRAHAM) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  I'm  a  patient  woman  but  I've 
seen  the  time  when  Hetty's  father  came  home  and 
I  was  so  glad  to  see  him  I  could  have  slaughtered 
him. 

MRS.  CRANE.  (Rising)  Ladies,  before  we 
adjourn  this,  the  last  meeting  of  the  season,  I  should 
be  glad  to  answer  any  questions.  If  my  discourses 
have  suggested  any  of  paramount  interest. 

(The  women  sit  thinking  seriously — MRS.  COLTON 
after  glancing  about.) 

MRS.  COLTON.  Would  you  mind  giving  me  the 
name  of  your  dressmaker  ? 

MRS.  CRANE.  It's  a  Paquin  model.  (Puts  on 
wrap  and  turns  to  show  to  the  best  advantage) 
That  reminds  me.  Mme.  Flanagan  is  having  a 
special  sale  to-morrow  of  French  models  and  while 
it  is  an  inestimable  privilege  to  open  this  wider  field 
to  your  inquiring  minds,  I  must  hurry  away  for  she 
promised  me  a  private  view. 


40  THE  COMMUTERS. 

(MRS.  CRANE  goes  L.,  FAN  rises  and  shakes  hands 
with  her.    HETTY  rises  and  goes  up  to  door  c.) 

FAN.  That's  right,  go  early  and  avoid  the  rush. 
(Other  ladies  rise) 

(MRS.  CRANE  turns  and  meets  MRS.  COLTON  R.  of  c.) 

MRS.  COLTON.    (Meets  her  c.)    It's  been  so  sweet, 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (To  MRS.  CRANE)  A  spade — 
(To  MRS.  COLTON)  I'm  sure  she's  called  a  spade. 

MRS.  CRANE.  Thank  you,  so  much — (As  she 
turns  to  go — MRS.  APPLEBEE  meets  her  and  shakes 
hands) 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  (L.  of  c.)  I  shall  so  yearn  for 
the  September  meeting — (Kisses  her  twice  and  she 
exits  c.,  being  led  to  door  by  MRS.  APPLEBEE.  MRS. 
GRAHAM,  FAN  and  MRS.  COLTON  watch  them  and 
laugh.  MRS.  COLTON  crosses  back  to  R.  of  MRS. 
GRAHAM,  FAN  down  in  front  of  table  L.  SAMMY 
appears  on  balcony  and  is  motioned  back  by  HETTY 
who  is  up  c.) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Standing  front  of  couch  R.  c.) 
That  woman's  too  glib  with  her  opinions  of  married 
life. 

MRS.  COLTON.  (Standing  R.  of  MRS.  GRAHAM) 
She  ought  to  know,  she's  been  married  three  times 
and  divorced  twice.  (Sits  in  chair  R.) 

(MRS.  GRAHAM  sits  L.  end  of  couch.) 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  (Coming  down  c.)  As  dear 
Henry  Tames  says :  "  Heaven  helps  her  who  helps 
herself." 

FAN.  Now,  Mrs.  Colton,  one  of  her  husbands 
did  die.  (Sits  L.  of  table  L.  c.) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  As  dear  Larry  says,  that  helps 
some. 


THE  COMMUTERS.  ^i 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  (c.)  Oh,  what  matters  a  few 
husbands,  more  or  less,  to  one  so  intellectual. 

MRS.  COLTON.  Intellectual !  Honest  I  get  so  tired 
of  being  intellectual  I  could  almost  die. 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  Oh,  my  dear  child,  to  breathe 
the  rarified  air  of  the  higher  mental  plane. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    It's  pretty  rare  for  mother. 

(HETTY  returns  c.) 

FAN.  Me  too — after  these  prolonged  sessions  on 
a  high  plane  with  Browning  and  Ibsen  I'm  so  worn 
out  I  can't  even  appreciate  Eleanor  Glynn. 

(CARRIE  enters  from  L.) 

CARRIE.  (Stands  up  L.  c.)  All  that  wants  tea 
can  have  it  in  the  dining-room 

(The  women  all  turn  in  astonishment  at  the  manner 
of  the  announcement.  CARRIE  is  oblivious. 
HETTY  is  furious.  FAN,  to  relieve  the  situation, 
rises. ) 

FAN.    (Rising)    That's  very  nice. 

(MRS.  APPLEBEE,  FAN,  MRS.   COLTON  and  MRS. 
GRAHAM  start  to  exit.) 

MRS.  COLTON.  (Coming  to  c.  and  meeting  MRS. 
APPLEBEE)  I'd  love  it  if  it's  iced. 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  Dear,  Mrs.  Colton,  what  a 
divinely  refreshing  idea. 

(They  exit  L.  MRS.  COLTON  staring  at  CARRIE.) 

FAN.     (Coming  up  c.)     Speaking  of  Bobby 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Interrupting)  Who  spoke  of 
Bobby? 


42  THE  COMMUTERS. 

FAN.  (Going  off  together)  I  must  tell  you 
Bobby's  new  story.  Bobby  met  the  minister 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Interrupting)  Your  husband 
told  me. 

FAN.  And  he  said,  "  Are  you  an  honest " — 
(Exeunt  L.  continuing  speech  off.  Voice  dies  off  as 
they  exit) 

CARRIE.  There's  a  fresh  fellow  in  my  kitchen 
with  a  pakltch  C.  O.  D.  75  cents. 

HETTY.  (Down  R.  by  sofa)  There  must  be  some 
mistake.  I  ordered  nothing.  Find  out  what's  in  the 
package. 

CARRIE.  What  do  you  know  about  that  ?  (CARRIE 
exits.  HETTY  starts  L.,  gets  c.) 

SAMMY.  (Appears  at  the  door  on  balcony) 
Hist— hist! 

HETTY,  (c.)  Well,  you  nearly  made  a  nice  mess 
of  everything,  another  moment  and  you  would  have 
been  discovered. 

SAMMY.  Don't  jump  on  me,  someone  called  for 
Sammy. 

HETTY.    Mrs.  Crane  wasn't  calling  you. 

(SAMMY  starts  to  come  downstairs.) 

HETTY.  Go  back,  please — (Crosses  quickly  L., 
and  looks  off — points  to  spare  room) 

SAMMY.  Oh,  kind  lady,  just  one  breath  of  fresh 
air  before  I  die. 

HETTY.  Aren't  you  comfortable  where  you  are? 
(Comes  front) 

SAMMY.  (On  lower  part  of  stairs)  I  guess  you 
never  slept  in  your  spare  room.  (HETTY  turns  to 
him)  on  a  hot  May  afternoon.  I'll  do  anything  to 
oblige  a  lady,  but  my  doctor  says  Turkish  Baths  are 
weakening.  (Comes  down  R.  of  c.) 

HETTY.  I  didn't  ask  you  to  sit  up  there.  (Follows 
him  to  L.  of  c.)  Why  didn't  you  go  for  a  walk? 


THE  COMMUTERS.  ^3 

SAMMY.  Did  you  ever  try  to  walk  through  a 
suburb  on  a  hot  afternoon  in  patent  leather  pumps, 
a  silk  hat,  and  an  automobile  coat?  Isn't  there  a 
law  against  collecting  crowds  ?  Someone  might  ask 
me  when  the  parade  began. 

HETTY.    Have  you  tried  on  one  of  Larry's  suits  ? 

SAMMY.  Have  I  tried  on  one  of  Larry's  suits? 
Father's  clothes  will  soon  fit  Willie.  Haven't  my 
clothes  come? 

HETTY.  When  Larry  'phoned  this  morning  ex 
cusing  your  sudden  arrival  he  said  he  had  sent  a  suit 
by  a  special  messenger.  (Goes  L.) 

SAMMY.  (Stops  her)  Say,  have  I  got  to  sit  up 
in  that  steam  room  until  it  comes  ? 

HETTY.  You  can't  stay  here,  the  ladies  might  see 
you.  (Returning  to  his  L.) 

SAMMY.  Introduce  me.  I  like  that  little  blonde, 
the  second  from  the  end. 

HETTY.    What? 

SAMMY.    You  could  explain. 

HETTY.  Explain!  If  my  friends  saw  you,  I 
wouldn't  have  a  shred  of  reputation  left. 

SAMMY.  You  flatter  me.  (Flicks  dust  from  coat 
lapel) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.     (Voice  off  R.)     Hetty,  my  dear. 

HETTY.  (Crosses  quickly  L.)  In  a  moment, 
mother.  (Motions  SAMMY  to  the  room) 

SAMMY.  (Up  c.)  Please,  kind  lady,  have  pity; 
not,  oh,  not,  the  steam  room. 

HETTY.    Well 

SAMMY.     (Interrupting)    I'll  be  good. 

HETTY.  I  must  join  the  ladies ;  if  you  get  bored 
there  are  some  very  interesting  magazines  on  the 
table  and  a  new  picture  puzzle.  (  Takes  puzzle  from 
table  L.  c.  and  gives  it  to  him  c.) 

SAMMY.  A  Day  in  the  Hay  Field — 178  pieces. 
Kindergarten  stuff. 

HETTY.  (She  starts  to  go  L. — stops  and  turns  to 
him)  Can  I  do  anything  else  for  you? 


44  THE  COMMUTERS. 

SAMMY.  Yes.  Tip  me  off  when  those  suffra 
gettes  are  headed  this  way  and  I'll  do  a  duck. 
(HETTY  starts  to  go)  Oh — I'd  like  to  send  a  wire 
to  the  office  on  very  important  business. 

HETTY.    Just  'phone  to  the  station.    (HETTY  exits 

L.) 

SAMMY.  (Crossing  to  'phone  and  taking  up  re 
ceiver)  Hello!  (Pause)  Hello,  fair  one,  give  me 
the  station-house.  I  mean  the  station  agent.  Will 
you  take  this  very  important  wire?  Miss  Gracie 
Lane,  Knickerbocker  Theatre,  New  York.  "  Can't 
keep  date  to-night.  Kidnapped.  It's  a  long  story 
but  am  innocent.  All  my  love  and  all  my  money, 
Sammy."  Don't  forget  the  money — (Pause)  Eh — 
(Pause)  Charge  it  to  Larry  Brice.  (SAMMY  hangs 
up  receiver,  crosses  L.  and  takes  off  coat  and  places 
it  on  back  of  chair — he  takes  up  magazines  and 
reads  titles)  "  Country  Life  in  America."  "  Ameri 
can  Homes  and  Gardens."  "  The  Garden  Maga 
zine."  Interesting  magazines.  "  Bulbs  that  Bloom." 
Rube  stuff — (Picking  up  another  magazine)  Here's 
a  nifty  little  sheet — "  The  Ladies  Home  Journal." 
(Reading)  "  Cross  stitch  and  crochet."  "  Fewer 
frills  on  French  Lingerie" — (He  sits  back  of  table 
and  smiles  to  himself) 

(CARRIE  enters  from  L.  carrying  a  tray  with  a  cup 
of  tea  on  it.) 

CARRIE.  (Looking  over  his  shoulder)  Oh,  Mr. 
Fletcher ! 

SAMMY.  (Jumps  up  quickly,  takes  coat  from  back 
of  chair  and  starts  to  go  upstairs,  puts  coat  on) 
Are  they  coming? 

CARRIE.  Who,  the  Minerva?  Oh,  not  for  a  long 
time,  these  lectures  is  awful  dry  work.  Mrs.  Brice 
ast  me  to  sneak  in  a  cup  of  nice  hot  tea. 

SAMMY.    Thanks,  Hebe—  (Comes  down  c.) 

CARRIE.  I  ain't  Hebe.  I'm  Carrie.  (Comes  to 
his  L.) 


THE  COMMUTERS.  5fg 

Say,  little  one,  couldn't  you  get  me  a 
nice  long  one  with  ice  in  it  ? 

CARRIE.  Oh,  I'm  on,  but  this  house  is  temperance, 
never  any  liquor  except  what  Mr.  Brice  carries  in. 
(Puts  cup  of  tea  on  table  L.  c.)  Say,  what  do  you 
hang  around  here,  for,  where  you  ain't  wanted  ? 

SAMMY.  I'm  hipped  on  the  place.  (Goes  up  to 
desk  R.  c.  and  sits) 

CARRIE.  (She  follows  up)  You'd  better  get  out 
before  you  get  what's  coming  to  you.  I'll  bet  when 
this  hen-party  goes,  Mrs.  Brice  wouldn't  do  a  thing 
to  you  for  coming  here  soused. 

SAMMY.    Aren't  you  the  cheerful  little  party? 

CARRIE.  (Pointing  to  picture  puzzle)  What's 
that? 

SAMMY.    Picture  puzzles. 

CARRIE.  Have  they  got  you  doing  that  ?  Thought 
you  were  from  the  city. 

SAMMY.     Now,  Sherlock. 

CARRIE.  Say,  what's  a  big  guy,  like  you,  doing 
with  kid  games  ?  I  don't  blame  you.  Honestly  this 
place  is  dead  slow.  Not  a  moving  picture  show  in 
the  town.  Wish  I  was  back  to  Childs'.  She  leans 
over)  There's  the  piece  you  want,  you  ninny. 
Can't  you  see  it's  the  man's  eye.  (  The  bell  rings  off- 
stage — CARRIE  pays  no  attention  to  it)  Do  you 
know  many  people  in  the  city? 

SAMMY.  I've  been  out  several  times  on  New 
Year's  Eve. 

(Bell  rings.) 

CARRIE.  Any  of  your  gentleman  friends  want  a 
girl  that's  handy  around  the  house? 

SAMMY.  Quite  a  few  of  my  friends  have  one; 
still  the  demand  is  always  greater  than  the  supply. 

CARRIE.  That  piece  ain't  right.  That  ain't  his  eye 
brow.  It's  his  moustache. 


46  THE  COMMUTERS. 

SAMMY.    Oh,  you've  done  this  one. 

CARRIE.  I  never  saw  it  before  but  I  know  a 
moustache  when  I  see  one.  (Knocks  a  piece  off  on 
floor) 

SAMMY.  There,  you've  knocked  his  ear  on  the 
floor. 

CARRIE.    Get  it.    I'll  hold  his  face. 

SAMMY.  (Rises  and  picks  it  up  and  gets  on 
CARRIE'S  L.)  Now,  don't  break  it. 

CARRIE.    That  ain't  his  ear.    It's  his  foot. 

(They  both  laugh.  SAMMY  gets  up  and  stands  be 
hind  her — SAMMY  leans  over  to  put  the  piece 
in  place — HETTY  enters  suddenly.  She  is 
aghast  as  it  looks  as  though  SAMMY  had  his 
arm  around  CARRIE.) 

HETTY.    (Up  L.  c.)    Carrie 

(SAMMY  and  CARRIE  start  suddenly  and  some  of  the 
pieces  fall  on  the  floor.) 

CARRIE.  (R.  near  table — wrathfully  to  HETTY) 
Now,  you  done  it. 

HETTY.    (L.  c.)    What  are  you  doing? 

SAMMY,     (c.,  giggles)     Playing  picture  puzzles. 

HFTTY.  Leave  the  room,  please — (SAMMY,  think 
ing  HETTY  refers  to  him,  starts  for  the  stairs. 
CARRIE  stops  him,  giggles,  then  comes  in  front  of 
HETTY  to  door  L.  As  soon  as  CARRIE  gets  on  her  L.) 
I  thought  I  asked  you  to  see  about  that  package 

CARRIE.  It  was  a  mistake.  It  was  a  strange  suit 
of  clothes,  regular  hand  me  down  and  I  sent  the 
feller  about  his  business.  '(She  flounces  out — = 
SAMMY  hears  this  and  dashes  out  of  the  doors  c.) 

HETTY.  Why,  they  were  Mr.  Fletcher's.  (She 
turns  and  sees  him  flying  out  of  the  door.  She 
goes  up  and  watches  him  off  c.  doors) 


THE  COMMUTERS.  47 

FAN.  (Enters  from  L.)  Hetty,  I  must  run  along 
— (She  sees  HETTY  at  the  door)  What's  the  mat 
ter? 

HETTY.  (Coming  down,  bringing  FAN  with  her 
to  the  couch)  Fan,  before  that  man  leaves  here  I'll 
be  notorious. 

FAN.    What  man?    (Sitting  on  HETTY'S  L.) 

HETTY.    Sammy  Fletcher.     Our  Sammy. 

FAN.  Sammy  Fletcher  here?  When  did  he 
come? 

HETTY.  Last  night.  Oh,  Fan,  what  I've  been 
through !  Larry  brought  him  home  and  forgot  that 
he  brought  him. 

FAN.    What's  he  like? 

HETTY.  Worse  than  we  imagined  in  our  wildest 
dreams.  I  caught  him  just  now  hugging  Carrie. 

FAN.    What? 

HETTY.    Playing  picture  puzzles. 

FAN.  Huh!  Hetty,  that  man's  actions  are 
grounds  for  divorce. 

HETTY.  I  can't  divorce  Larry  because  Sammy 
Fletcher  hugs  Carrie.  Anyway,  I  don't  want  to 
divorce  him. 

FAN.  Rollie's  been  pretty  bad  but  he's  never 
turned  our  house  into  an  all  night  refuge.  I  wouldn't 
stand  it  for  a  moment.  Of  course,  I'd  have  to  think 
of  dear  little  Bobby  but  if  I  were  in  your  shoes,  I'd 
walk  right  out  of  the  house  and  let  Larry  entertain 
his  friend. 

HETTY.  I  never  thought  about  dinner.  Larry 
and  I  always  go  to  the  club  every  Saturday  night. 
There  isn't  a  thing  in  the  house.  (Rises  and  goes 
L.  ofc.) 

FAN.  Let  them  get  their  own  dinner.  (Quot 
ing)  "  Woman  should  not  be  the  drudge  of  the 
universe."  Now,  what's  the  use  of  our  paying  Mrs. 
Crane  for  these  lectures  if  we  don't  profit  by  them? 

HETTY.    I  don't  want  to  profit  by  Mrs.  Crane's 


48  THE  COMMUTERS. 

experiences  and  have  three  husbands.  One's  enough 
for  me. 

FAN.  Well,  if  you  take  my  advice,  you'll  clear 
out.  (Rises  and  comes  to  HETTY'S  R.)  I  tell  you, 
you  come  over  and  dine  with  me.  Rollie  isn't  coming 
out  to-night  until  the  last  train.  I'll  'phone  Dr.  Lloyd 
and  we'll  have  a  game  of  dummy  bridge.  If  you 
want  to  cure  Larry  you've  got  to  do  something 
devilish. 

HETTY.    That  doesn't  sound  awfully  devilish. 

FAN.  Do  as  you  like.  ( HETTY  goes  n />  c.  Turns) 
But  listen  to  me,  Hetty,  I'm  an  old  married  woman, 
and  if  you  want  to  hold  a  man  make  trouble  for 
him.  (Exits  c.  and  R.) 

(HETTY  exits  to  the  dining  room — A  pause.  SAMMY 
enters.  He  is  mopping  his  brow.  He  carries  a 
package  from  which  protrudes  a  shirt,  a  tan 
boot  and  the  leg  of  a  pair  of  trousers.  He  starts 
up  the  stairs  wearily.  Enter  MRS.  COLTON, 
MRS.  GRAHAM  and  MRS.  APPLEBEE.  MRS.  COL- 
TON  sees  SAMMY  and  goes  off  into  violent 
hysterics.  SAMMY  stands  petrified.) 

MRS.  COLTON.  (Pointing  to  SAMMY)  A  burglar ! 
A  burglar!  (Down  extreme  L.) 

(MRS.  GRAHAM  sees  SAMMY  and  runs  after  him. 
SAMMY  tries  to  run  up  the  stairs ',  trips.  MRS. 
GRAHAM  grabs  him  by  the  foot.) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Caught  red-handed.  Madge 
guard  the  door.  (MRS.  APPLEBEE  crosses  to  door  up 
c.  To  MRS.  COLTON)  Stop  that  yowling  and  'phone 
for  the  police. 

(MRS.  COLTON  crosses  to  'phone  R.) 
SAMMY.    I'm  not  a  burglar. 


THE  COMMUTERS.  49 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  No.  I  suppose  you're  a  friend 
of  the  family. 

MRS.  COLTON.  (She  grabs  the  'phone)  Gimme  a 
policeman,  quick.  How  do  I  know  what  his  number 
is?  Oh,  Mr.  Graham,  what's  the  policeman's  num 
ber? 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Don't  bother  me,  I'm  busy. 
(MRS.  GRAHAM  dragging  him  downstairs,  SAMMY 
drops  cigarette  case  on  floor  c.  He  picks  it  up) 
Hand  that  over. 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  (Standing  behind  them  holding 
up  parasol  threateningly)  At  once! 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  What  did  I  tell  you.  Larry's 
cigarette  case!  (Grabs  his  arm) 

MRS.  COLTON.  Central,  we  have  a  burglar.  Send 
a  policeman  right  away,  to  Mrs.  B  rice's.  (Gets 
down  extreme  R.) 

(MRS.  APPLEBEE  moves  to  L.  c.  as  HETTY  enters.) 

HETTY.     (Enters)     Why,  mother,  what  are  you 
doing  ? 
MRS.  COLTON.    Catching  burglars. 

(MRS.  GRAHAM  gives  SAMMY  a  jerk.) 

HETTY.    It's  Larry's  friend,  Mr.  Fletcher. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    What? 

HETTY.  (Introducing  him)  Ladies,  let  me  pre 
sent,  Mr.  Samuel  Fletcher. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.     (Frigidly)     How  do  you  do. 

SAMMY.  Pleased  to  meet  you.  (Bows  to  MRS. 
COLTON.  MRS.  GRAHAM  hands  him  cigarette  case) 
Thanks. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.     (Angrily)     Don't  mention  it. 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  (From  L.  c.)  Charmed,  I'm 
sure.  I  hope  you're  enjoying  your  visit  to  our  fair 
suburb. 

SAMMY.    Oh,  yes,  very  much. 


50  THE  COMMUTERS. 

(MRS.  GRAHAM  starts  to  go.) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    Good-bye,  Hetty. 

HETTY.  Oh,  mother,  are  you  going?  (Crosses 
to  her  c.) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Yes,  my  nerves  are  considerably 
overturned ;  I  need  the  air.  Good-bye. 

SAMMY.  Good-afternoon — (She  bows  frigidly  to 
SAMMY  and  exits} 

MRS.  COLTON.  Good-bye,  Hetty.  (Shakes  hands 
with  HETTY.  SAMMY  smiles  at  her.  She  scorns  him 
and  exits  with  MRS.  GRAHAM) 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  Good-morning,  Hetty,  Mr. 
Fletcher.  (Grabs  his  hand)  I  hope  you'll  pardon 
our  little  error,  as  dear  Shelly  says  "  It's  not  the  coat 
that  makes  the  man." 

SAMMY.  No,  the  vest  and  trousers  help  some. 
(MRS.  APPLEBEE  draws  back  indignantly  and  exits 
quickly  c.  and  R.  HETTY  laughs)  I'm  glad  I've 
handed  you  a  laugh.  (Getting  over  L.) 

HETTY.  (Sits  on  couch)  I'm  so  sorry.  I  don't 
mean  to  be  rude,  but  you  did  look  so  funny.  (She 
laughs  again — SAMMY  joins  in  and  both  laugh 
heartily.  SAMMY  starts  to  stairs) 

SAMMY.  I  guess  I'll  go  before  I  get  in  bad 
again.  (Going  up  c.) 

HETTY.  Oh,  you're  not  going?  What  will  I  say 
to  Larry? 

SAMMY.    Any  old  thing  that  comes  handy. 

HETTY.  But,  if  Larry  finds  you  gone  he'll  think  I 
haven't  made  it  very  entertaining  for  you. 

SAMMY.  It's  been  entertaining  all  right.  I  think 
I'd  better  leave  before  any  other  entertaining  thing 
happens. 

HETTY.  (SAMMY  starts  to  go)  Will  you  tell  me 
one  thing?  What  is  the  baleful  influence  you  exert 
over  Larry  and  Rollie  ? 

SAMMY.    The  "  what  f ul "  influence  ? 


THE  COMMUTERS.  51 

HETTY.  Baleful  was  the  word.  In  other  words 
what  on  earth  do  they  see  in  you. 

SAMMY.  (Coming  down  c.)  Search  me.  The 
idiots  both  bore  me  to  death.  Coming  to  my  flat, 
drinking  up  my  best  Scotch,  smoking  my  choice 
cigars,  smoking,  why  they  eat  'em.  All  Rollie  does 
is  talk  about  that  kid  of  his  and  when  he  gets 
through  Larry  begins  about  you.  (She  rises,  he 
stops  confused — bows) 

HETTY.  My  husband  may  be  a  bore.  IVe  never 
found  him  one,  and  he  may  be  an  idiot.  I  think  he  is 
or  he  wouldn't  spend  his  time  with  you.  (Goes  R.) 

SAMMY.  (Interrupting)  I  told  you  I'd  get  in 
wrong.  I'm  very  sorry  all  this  has  happened,  because 
I've  been  looking  forward  to  meeting  you.  (HETTY 
smiles  sarcastically)  Larry  has  talked  a  lot  about 
you. 

HETTY.    Yes,  I  know,  bored  you  to  death. 

SAMMY.  Don't  hit  a  fellow  when  he's  down.  You 
may  not  believe  it,  but  I  wanted  you  to  like  me. 
(She  laughs)  Oh,  what's  the  use?  You  think  I'm 
the  limit,  and  when  a  woman's  mind's  made  up. 
(Turns  L.  of  c.) 

HETTY.  (Interrupting — following  him)  That's 
precisely  when  she's  dying  to  change  it.  Why  are 
you  such  a  thoroughly  bad  man. 

SAMMY.  I  haven't  anything  on  the  husbands. 
They're  a  pretty  bad  lot.  Do  you  know  what's  the 
trouble  with  married  life? 

HETTY.  Yes.  Bachelors.  (Both  turn  away — 
SAMMY  to  L.  HETTY  to  R.) 

SAMMY.  Must  a  married  man  give  up  his 
bachelor  friends? 

HETTY.    No,  only  his  friend's  bad  habits. 

SAMMY.  Me  to  reform.  No  married  man  can 
sit  up  in  my  flat.  I'll  found  an  order  for  the  sup 
pression  of  late  hours  for  husbands.  Will  that 
square  me  ?  (Puts  out  hand,  HETTY  takes  it)  Well, 
good-bye.  (Runs  upstairs  and  gets  bundle) 


52  THE  COMMUTERS. 

HETTY.  No,  not  good-bye.  Now  you  must  stay 
to  dinner  with  us — (SAMMY  looks  surprised,  drops 
bundle)  Stay  to  dinner  with  us. 

SAMMY.    You  want  me  to?    (Picks  up  bundle) 

HETTY.  Certainly.  (Crosses  and  rings  the  bell 
R.  above  window) 

SAMMY.  You  don't  mind  if  I  shake  the  benny 
and  the  soup  and  fish.  (HETTY  laughs)  I'm  a 
fancy  little  person  when  I'm  all  dolled  up.  (Runs 
upstairs  exits  into  room) 

(CARRIE  enters  from  L.) 

HETTY.    (R.  c.)    We'll  dine  at  home  to-night. 

CARRIE.  (L.  of  c.)  There  ain't  no  dinner,  unless 
you  eat  the  scraps  from  the  party. 

HETTY.    Then  prepare  the  Sunday  dinner. 

CARRIE.  Ain't  none  ordered.  To-morrow's  the 
day  you  eat  to  your  mother's. 

HETTY.    I'll  call  up  the  market. 

CARRIE.  Saturday's  a  half  day.  The  market  is 
closed. 

HETTY.  Then  I'll  have  to  borrow  some  dinner 
from  the  neighbors.  (Goes  to  desk  up  R.  c.  starts  to 
write  note)  I'll  write  the  note.  You  get  the  basket. 

CARRIE.  Me  go  around  beggin'  grub  offen  people 
— why? 

HETTY.  (Writing)  Mr.  Fletcher  is  stayin'  for 
dinner. 

CARRIE.    Is  he  goin'  to  stop  here  ? 

HETTY.  (Coming  down  R.  of  c.)  Have  you  any 
objections  ? 

CARRIE.  I  sure  have.  Comin'  around  here  where 
he  ain't  wanted,  and  upsettin'  everythin'.  Didn't  I 
have  to  get  an  extra  breakfast  for  him?  And  didn't 
I  have  to  drop  everything  and  make  chicken  hash 
for  his  lunch  and  a  party  on  my  hands.  I  stayed  in 
for  your  party  though  I  was  promised  a  half  day 
and  had  accepted  an  invitation  from  my  gentleman 


THE  COMMUTERS.  53 

friend  to  dine  at  Childs'  and  go  to  a  moving  picter 
show  in  the  city.  Now  on  top  of  all  this  you  ask 
him  to  dinner.  Now  that  settles  it.  I  quits.  I 
didn't  hire  out  to  be  for  everlastin'  entertaining 
people.  I'm  willing  to  work,  but,  God  knows  I'm 
no  electro  dyanmo.  (Exits  L.  2  E.) 

HETTY.  (Staggered,  starts  to  call  her  then  pulls 
herself  together.)  No,  I  will  be  mistress  in  my  own 
house.  (Takes  basket  from  under  table  c.  Exits 
c.  and  R.) 

SAMMY.  (Enters,  comes  downstairs  whistling, 
"Oh  Gee  I'm  Glad  I'm  Free  No  Wedding  Bells 
For  Me."  Takes  out  cigarette  case,  takes  a  cigarette, 
feels  for  match.  He  hasn't  one.  He  goes  looking 
around  for  one)  Where  in  blazes  do  they  keep  the 
matches. 

(During  this  bus.  BARNES,  the  village  Policeman  has 
stepped  softly  on  the  veranda.  He  watches 
SAMMY  apparently  going  through  the  house. 
Finally  as  SAMMY  comes  to  the  table  and  opens 
the  drawer  to  look  in,  BARNES  tiptoes  in  and 
grabs  him.) 

BARNES.  Caught  in  the  act,  young  fellow.  (  Grabs 
his  arms  and  drags  him  down  c. ) 

SAMMY.    Who  are  you? 

BARNES.  Constabule,  I  'rest  you  in  the  name  of 
the  Law. 

SAMMY.    The  devil  you  do.    (SAMMY  struggles) 

(They  get  down  R.  c.) 

BARNES.  Now  go  easy.  It's  two  years  extra  for 
resistin'  a  officer. 

SAMMY.  You're  bughouse.  Who  do  you  think 
lam? 

BARNES.     I  guess  they  got  your  picture  to  the 


54  THE  COMMUTERS. 

head-quarters.  Come  along  with  me.  (Throws  him 
over  to  his  L.) 

SAMMY.    I'm  a  friend  of  the  family. 

BARNES.  Tell  that  to  the  Judge.  A  fine  friend 
of  the  family  going  through  the  place. 

SAMMY.     I  tell  you  I'm  looking  for  a  match. 

BARNES.     A  match — huh  ! 

SAMMY.  I  tell  you  I'm  Mr.  Fletcher.  Here  is 
my  cigarette  case  to  prove  it.  (He  hands  BARNES 
LARRY'S  cigarette  case) 

BARNES.  Since  when  has  Fletcher  been  spelled 
with  an  L.  B.  ?  (Puts  it  in  pocket) 

SAMMY.  I'll  get  Mrs.  Brice.  (He  crosses  towards 
the  dining  room  door  L.  2  E.  calling  MRS.  BRICE. 
BARNES  runs  after  him  and  grabs  him) 

BARNES.     No,  you  don't.     (Dragging  him  up  c.) 

SAMMY.  (At  the  door,  calling)  Oh,  Mrs. 
Brice — Mrs.  Brice.  (No  answer)  Can  you  beat 
this  ?  (  Takes  hold  of  BARNES'  coat  and  brings  him 
dozvn  c.)  My,  good  man,  this  is  a  mistake.  Here. 
(Goes  in  pocket  for  money)  Not  a  cent. 

BARNES.  There'll  be  an  extra  penalty  for  trying 
to  bribe  an  officer  of  the  law.  You  to  the  house. 
(Drags  him  up  c.  BARNES  starts  to  drag  SAMMY 
off,  LARRY  appears  on  the  veranda) 

LARRY.     Hello!    What's  doing? 

(BARNES  throws  SAMMY  down  L.  c.) 

SAMMY.     Oh,  nothing,  I'm  pinched,  that's  all. 

LARRY.  Pinched.  (Down  R.  c.,  laughing  heart- 
tiy) 

BARNES.  Caught  'em  working  your  house,  Mr. 
Brice. 

LARRY.     It's  a  mistake. 

BARNES.  (Interrupting)  Well,  the  ladies  tele 
phoned  for  me. 

LARRY.     He's  a  friend  of  mine. 


THE  COMMUTERS.  55 

BARNES.  On  the  level?  You're  not  just  bein* 
sorry  for  him.  He's  a  tough  looking  rummy. 

LARRY.  I'll  answer  for  him.  (BARNES  throws 
SAMMY  off)  Here.  (Gives  BARNES  a  dollar) 

BARNES.  Thank  you,  sir.  But  I'd  advise  you, 
Mr.  Brice,  friend  or  no  friend,  keep  an  eye  on  him — • 
(Gives  cigarette  case  to  LARRY)  I've  a  book  to 
home  on  crime  that  says  all  fellers  with  ears  like 
his  are  crooks.  (Exits  c.  and  L.) 

(LARRY  laughs,  SAMMY  imitates  him) 

SAMMY.  (Front  of  table  L.  c.)  Funny,  isn't  it? 
You'd  had  to  go  bail  for  me  in  another  minute. 

LARRY.     (Coming  c.)    Where  was  Hetty? 

SAMMY.  I  called  for  help,  but  no  one  answered. 
She  isn't  there. 

LARRY.    Didn't  she  treat  you  right  ? 

SAMMY.  She's  all  right,  but  I'm  in  wrong. 
I've  had  a  peach  of  a  day. 

LARRY.    What's  the  matter? 

SAMMY.  Oh,  nothing,  scared  Mrs.  Brice  out  of 
a  year's  growth,  this  morning,  cooped  up  all  after 
noon  in  a  room  with  a  southern  exposure — 

LARRY.  (Interrupting)  Oh,  forget  it,  you  can 
tell  me  your  troubles  later.  Colton  is  outside  with 
his  car.  We're  going  to  run  out  to  the  club  and  show 
you  a  thing  or  two. 

SAMMY.  Mrs.  Brice  expects  us  for  dinner.  Can't 
we  take  her  along? 

LARRY.  No,  this  is  strictly  stag.  Hetty  will 
understand.  That's  why  we're  such  good  pals, 
she's  so  understanding.  (Goes  up  to  desk  R.  c.) 
I'll  just  leave  a  note.  (Writing)  She'll  go  over 
to  her  mother's. 

(Enter  CARRIE  from  L.  2.) 
SAMMY.   Whither  away,  Hebe.! 


56  THE  COMMUTERS. 

CARRIE,  (c.)  (Turning  on  SAMMY)  Whither 
away  yourself — and  don't  call  me  Hebe — (To 
LARRY)  I'm  fired,  Mr.  Brice.  And  it's  all  his  fault. 
Comin'  round  here  where  he  ain't  wanted,  and  up- 
settin'  everything*. 

SAMMY.  I  thought  I  was  about  due  for  another 
jolt. 

CARRIE.    Makin'  extra  work. 

LARRY.  Extra  work — (Rises  and  comes  down  R. 
of  CARRIE) 

CARRIE.    Two  breakfasts  and  a  lunch. 

LARRY.  Isn't  it  customary  in  my  house  to  have 
lunch?  (Gets  R.  c.) 

CARRIE.  A  cup  o'  tea,  and  a  bite  on  a  tray  is 
enough  for  Mrs.  Brice.  But  didn't  I  have  to  drop 
everything  and  me  with  a  party  on  my  hands  and 
make  chicken  hash. 

SAMMY.  What's  she  kicking  about,  I  ate  the 
hash. 

CARRIE.  I  ain't  no  fault  to  find  with  you,  Mr. 
Brice,  even  if  you  do  come  home  with  the  owl  and 
get  up  with  the  rooster.  But  (Turning  to  SAMMY) 
111  have  my  gentleman  friend  knock  your  block 
off.  (CARRIE  exits  c.  and  R.) 

LARRY.    Can  you  beat  it? 

SAMMY.    You  can't  even  tie  it. 

LARRY.  Oh,  well,  come  on.  (Goes  up  to  small 
stand  L.  c.  and  gets  cap) 

^  SAM  MY.     I  tell  you  Mrs.  Brice  expects  us  for 
dinner. 

LARRY.  (Coming  back  c.)  She  can't  get  dinner 
without  a  cook.  You  don't  want  to  embarrass  her? 

SAMMY.  It  seems  to  me  it  isn't  quite  the  right 
way  to  treat  your  wife. 

LARRY.  What  do  you  know  about  treating  a 
wife?  Back  up.  (Takes  him  to  table  L.  c.)  Where's 
your  hat?  Here  take  this  one.  (LARRY  grabs  a  cap 
off  a  table  by  the  closet  door  and  jambs  it  down 


THE  COMMUTERS.  57 

over  SAMMY'S  eyes)  Come  on,  we'll  cut  across  lots. 
It's  just  about  first  cocktail  time.  (LARRY  hustles 
SAMMY  out  L.  2  E.,  a  pause) 

HETTY.  (Appears  on  the  veranda  carrying  a 
heavy  basket.  She  has  a  loaf  of  bread  in  her  arm. 
Her  hat  is  on  one  side.  She  staggers  in  with  basket. 
Sets  it  on  the  table.  Sees  note  left  by  LARRY) 
"  Gone  to  the  Club.  Will  be  home  early  bye-bye, 
darling"  Oh.  (Goes  over  L.,  throwing  letter  down) 

FAN.  (Enters  carrying  a  bowl  of  soup  tied  in 
napkin)  Hetty,  dear,  here's  your  soup. 

HETTY.  (Takes  soup)  I  don't  need  the  old 
soup.  (Puts  it  on  table  L.  c.)  Larry's  gone  and 
left  me  high  and  dry.  That's  what  I  get  for  fussing 
over  his  old  guests,  and  giving  up  my  rights.  My 
rights.  For  two  pins,  I'd  divorce  him  this  minute. 

FAN.  (R.  c.)  Oh,  Hetty,  don't  do  anything 
rash. 

HETTY,  (c.)  I  will  if  I  feel  like  it.  Going  round 
begging  food  from  door  to  door.  Lugging  that 
heavy  basket  through  the  hot  sun.  Making  myself 
the  laughing  stock  of  the  place.  Go  oa,  say  I  told 
you  so.  You're  perfectly  right,  Fan.  If  you  want  to 
hold  a  man  make  trouble  for  him.  Oh,  I'll  teach  Mr. 
Larry  a  lesson  he  won't  forget  in  a  hurry.  (Goes 
up  to  door) 

FAN.    Hetty,  where  are  you  going? 

HETTY.  I  don't  know  where,  but  I'm  going. 
(Exits  hurriedly  c.  and  R.  followed  by  FAN) 

CURTAIN. 


JHE  COMMUTERS. 


ACT  III. 

SCENE  : — Same  as  ACT  I. 
TIME  :—Two  A.  M. 

The  room  is  faintly  illuminated  by  a  lighted 
lamp  on  a  table  at  the  end  of  the  couch  R. 
another  at  table  L.  c.  and  by  the  moonlight 
visible  through  the  glass  doors  at  center  back 
and  at  the  window  above  the  landing  on  the 
stairs.  The  curtains  at  the  window  R.  are  drawn. 
HETTY  is  lying  on  the  couch  R.  fast  asleep. 
As  the  curtain  rises,  the  clock  on  the  table  back 
of  the  couch  strikes  two,  wakening  HETTY,  who 
yawns,  rubs  her  eyes  and  reaches  sleepily  for 
the  clock.  She  notes  the  time.  The  lateness  of 
the  hour  shocks  her  into  alert  wakefulness. 

HETTY.  (Amazed)  Two  o'clock!  (She  places 
the  clock  on  the  mantel  and  in  so  doing  sees  a  tele 
gram  propped  against  a  flower  vase.  She  picks  it 
up,  reads  the  address)  A  telegram  for  Mr.  Samuel 
Fletcher.  (  With  a  movement  of  petulant  anger  she 
slams  it  down  on  the  mantel — at  that  moment  MRS. 
COLTON'S  voice  is  heard  outside) 

MRS.  COLTON.    Hetty,  Hetty? 

HETTY.  (Startled,  turns,  runs  to  the  switch  at  R. 
above  window,  turns  on  the  lights  and  runs  quickly 
to  door  at  c. — opens  it — Enter  MRS.  COLTON)  Why, 
Mrs.  Colton,  how  you  frightened  me.  (Comes 
down  L.  c.) 

MRS.  COLTON.  (Comes  down  R.  of  HETTY — she 
is  in  a  fluffy  peignoir  over  which  she  has  thrown  a 
light  cloak)  Oh,  Hetty,  what  has  Larry  done  with 


THE  COMMUTERS.  59 

my  Willie?  I  'phoned  the  club  at  ten,  and  the  boy 
said  they'd  left.  He  said  for  a  joy  ride.  It's  after 
two.  I'm  nearly  crazy,  (c.) 

HETTY.    (In  alarm)    Is  Mr.  Colt  on  driving? 

MRS.  COLTON.    Irving  was  at  the  wheel. 

HETTY.    Thank  heaven. 

MRS.  COLTON.  Why,  Willie's  a  grand  driver.  I 
couldn't  stand  it  any  longer  alone.  I'm  so  nervous  I 
haven't  a  finger  nail  left.  Aren't  you  nervous  ? 

HETTY.  No,  just  mad,  plain  mad.  Serve  them 
right  if  they  did  get  dumped  out. 

MRS.  COLTON.  Oh,  Hetty,  I  tried  hard  to  be  mad. 
I  tried  to  remember  what  all  the  women  told  me  this 
afternoon,  but  I  love  Willie.  (Cries) 

HETTY.  Of  course  you  do.  (Leading  MRS.  COL 
TON  to  couch)  Sit  down — (MRS,  COLTON  sits) 
Have  a  chocolate.  (Taking  box  off  table) 

MRS.  COLTON.  Thanks.  (Takes  one)  I  couldn't 
eat  a  bite  of  dinner.  Willie  left  me  all  alone.  {She 
cries) 

HETTY.    Have  another. 

MRS.  COLTON.  Thanks.  (Takes  another)  And  I 
made  a  pudding  special.  (Cries) 

HETTY.    Try  one  of  these. 

MRS.  COLTON.  Thanks.  {Takes  another)  Oh, 
you  didn't  need  the  cheese  you  borrowed,  did  you? 

HETTY.    No.    (Puts  box  back  on  table,  goes  c.) 

MRS.  COLTON.  I  don't  want  to  criticise  another 
woman's  husband  but  it  was  kind  of  mean  of  Larry 
when  you  went  around  an*  borrowed  everything. 
Did  you  eat  it  all  alone,  too  ? 

HETTY.  I  did  not.  I  dined  with  Fan.  Dr.  Lloyd 
brought  me  home  at  half-past  nine,  like  an  idiot. 

MRS.  COLTON.    Dr.  Lloyd  seems  intelligent. 

HETTY.  I'm  the  idiot.  Fan  wanted  me  to  stay 
but  I  thought  Larry  might  get  home,  be  worried  and 
sit  up  for  me.  Huh! 

MRS.  COLTON.  {Getting  up)  I'd  better  go.  I 
don't  want  to  worry  Willie. 


60  THE  COMMUTERS. 

HETTY.  Sit  down!  (MRS.  COLTON  sits  again) 
I  see  a  man  worrying,  or  sitting  up  for  his  wife. 
He'd  go  to  bed  contentedly  if  he  didn't  die  of  the 
shock. 

MRS.  COLTON.  Willie  didn't  want  to  go  but  he 
said  if  he  refused  to  leave  his  wife  they'd  think  it 
wasn't  manly. 

HETTY  Manly!  Who  wants  a  man  tied  to  her 
apron  strings  all  day  ? 

MRS,  COLTON.    I'd  kind  of  like  it  if  it  was  Willie. 

HETTY.  What  do  they  marry  us  for  if  they  want 
to  stay  out  all  night  ?  Why  can't  a  woman  have  the 
courage  of  her  convictions,  treat  a  man  as  he  treats 
her.  Look  at  me!  I've  every  right  to  be  furious. 
Lugging  that  heavy  basket  through  the  hot  sun  and 
I  was  going  to  teach  Larry  a  lesson.  Do  something 
devilish. 

MRS.  COLTON.    Oh,  Hetty ! 

HETTY.  Devilish.  Sitting  home  here  since  half- 
past  nine,  ruining  my  digestion  eating  chocolates 
and  worrying.  Why,  if  I  go  in  to  a  matinee  I  have  to 
leave  before  the  play's  half  over  so  afraid  dear 
Larry  might  get  home  first  and  be  anxious. 

MRS.  COLTON.  It's  terrible.  I  haven't  seen  an 
emotional  actress  die  since  I've  been  married.  The 
last  matinee  I  went  to  the  leading  lady  began  to  die 
at  4  o'clock  and  at  4:  15.  I  had  to  run  for  Willie's 
train.  I  hope  he  isn't  going  to  keep  this  up.  If  he 
does  I'll  tell  his  mother.  (An  auto  siren  is  heard  in 
the  distance  off  R.)  Oh,  there's  Salome.  (Rises) 

HETTY.    Salome  ? 

MRS.  COLTON.  I  call  the  car  Salome  cause  it  wig 
gles.  I'm  awful,  aren't  I  even  if  I  am  married? 
Oh,  I  must  hurry.  (Starts  to  go) 

HETTY.  Don't  let  them  see  you.  (Passes  her  over 
L.)  Here,  go  the  back  way.  I'm  going  to  give 
Larry  a  good  scare. 

MRS.  COLTON.  Oh,  Hetty,  what  are  you  going  to 
do? 


THE  COMMUTERS.  61 

HETTY.  Hide  in  the  coat  closet.  (Puts  out  lamp 
on  table  R.)  Go  on.  Don't  tell  Larry  I'm  here. 

MRS.  COLTON.  I  won't.  (Starts  to  go  then  stops) 
I  wish  I  had  time  to  hide,  too. 

HETTY.    But  you  haven't.    Skedaddle. 

(MRS.  COLTON  runs  off  door  L.  HETTY  switches  off 
bracket  and  runs  to  lamp  that  is  on  table  up  L.  c., 
turns  it  off  and  exits  into  closet.  In  the  ceiling 
is  an  electric  light  that  shines  on  her  as  she 
enters.  She  closes  the  door.  The  room  is  in 
darkness.  It  is  now  bright  moonlight  outside. 
A  slight  pause.  Then  from  R.  c.  enter  LARRY. 
He  peers  through  the  glass  doors  into  the  room. 
Then  opens  the  door  cautiously.  He  enters, 
looks  all  around  the  room,  returns  to  door, 
beckons  off  R.  to  SAMMY,  then  on  tiptoe  goes 
quickly  down  R.  to  switch.  SAMMY  enters, 
stumbles. 

LARRY.    Sh!  can't  you?    (Touches  button) 

SAMMY.  (Singing)  I  just  can't  make  my  feet 
behave. 

LARRY.    Great  ride,  wasn't  it? 

SAMMY.  Blame  sight  better  than  sitting  around 
that  stuffy  club. 

LARRY.    Club's  all  right. 

SAMMY.    But  the  people  are  stuffy. 

LARRY.  (Whispers,  then  picks  up  clock  from 
mantel)  Two  fifteen.  Say,  that  driver  of  Colton's 
is  a  wiz !  He  certainly  let  her  out ;  we  did  the  last 
two  miles  in  three  minutes.  (Puts  clock  back  in 
place) 

SAMMY.  Who  was  that  peacemaker  on  the  home 
stretch? 

LARRY.    Dr.  Lloyd. 

SAMMY.    Had  a  dame  with  him,  didn't  he? 

LARRY.  Yes.  Watch  me  hand  Hetty  one  on  the 
model  doctor.  Have  a  drink? 


62  THE  COMMUTERS. 

SAMMY.  No,  I've  had  enough;  me  for  the  hay. 
(Yawning.  Starts  to  stairs) 

LARRY.  (Yawning)  Here,  too.  Well,  no  7 146 
to-morrow,  thank  God,  nothing  but  church. 

SAMMY.  (Tunis)  Church!  You're  not  going 
to  ring  me  in  on  that  ? 

LARRY.    Sure,  do  you  good. 

SAMMY.  Well,  call  me  early,  Mother:  I've  got 
to  study  my  catechism. 

(LARRY  switches  off  the  lights.  They  start  up 
stairs,  walking  very  softly.  As  they  reach  the 
landing,  HETTY  comes  outt  stands  in  under  the 
stairs  unobserved.) 

LARRY.    Good-night. 

SAMMY.  Good-night.  (SAMMY  exits  into  his 
room,  switches  on  light  and  closes  the  door.  LARRY 
opens  his  door  cautiously  and  switches  on  light. 
HETTY  stands  below  listening,  smothering  her  laugh 
ter) 

LARRY.  (Voice  off)  Oh!  (He  tears  out  of  his 
room  along  the  landing  to  SAMMY'S  room.  He  rat 
tles  the  door  fiercely.  HETTY  is  weak  with  laughter. 
SAMMY  opens  the  door,  the  light  shining  on  their 
faces')  Sammy !  Sammy !  Is  my  wife  in  your 
room? 

SAMMY.    Good  heavens,  no ! 

LARRY.    Where  is  she? 

SAMMY.    Isn't  she  in  her  room? 

LARRY.  In  her  room,  you  idiot?  Would  I  be 
looking  for  her  if  she  were? 

SAMMY.    Maybe  she's  out? 

LARRY.    Where  ? 

SAMMY.    With  some  of  her  women  friends. 

LARRY.     What  would  they  be  doing? 

SAMMY.    Talking  about  their  other  friends. 

LARRY.  If  she  went  out,  why  should  she  stay 
out? 


THE  COMMUTERS.  63 

SAMMY.  Maybe  to  get  square  with  you  for  last 
night  and  other  nights? 

(HETTY  snatches  scarf  from  hook  in  closet,  and 
exits  quickly  L.  2  R.) 

LARRY.    Don't  be  a  damn  fool! 
SAMMY.    No,  sir. 

(Door  slams  off  L.) 

LARRY.  What  was  that?  (He  starts  down  the 
stairs) 

SAMMY.     (Yawning)     Um! 

LARRY.  Didn't  you  hear  anything?  (Running 
downstairs  to  landing.  He  turns  to  SAMMY) 

SAMMY.  (Yawning)  No,  unless  it  was  my 
downy  whispering,  "  Come,  Sammy  darling."  (Goes 
back  into  room) 

LARRY.  (From  landing)  You're  not  going  to 
desert  me  in  such  trouble ! 

SAMMY.  Trouble?  She'll  be  home  presently. 
Say  your  "  Now  I  lay  me's  "  and  go  to  bed ! 

LARRY.  Bed,  the  man  talks  of  bed,  when  I  don't 
know  what  has  become  of  my  Hetty!  (Running 
down  and  crosses  to  switch  over  R.)  Hetty,  Hetty! 
(Pushes  switch) 

SAMMY.  (Yawning,  at  head  of  stairs)  Oh,  come 
on  to  bed.  (Coming  downstairs) 

LARRY.  It's  easy  for  you  to  talk :  you're  not  her 
husband !  (Exits  to  dining  room  L.  2,  turns  on  lights 
in  dining  room,  voice  off-stage)  Hetty,  Hetty, 
where  are  you? 

SAMMY.  (Coming  downstairs)  And  they  talk  of 
the  quiet  life  in  the  suburbs ! 

LARRY.  (Entering  and  running  to  veranda) 
Hetty,  Hetty  !  (Calling  off  through  window) 

SAMMY.    Oh,  come  in.    People  will  think  you  are 


64  THE  COMMUTERS. 

calling  the  cat !  (SAMMY  comes  down  to  table  L.  c., 
takes  cigarette  and  lights  it) 

LARRY.  None  of  your  silly  jokes!  Haven't  you 
any  tact  when  a  man's  worried !  Oh,  this  is  awful ! 
(Sits  on  couch) 

SAMMY.    How  do  you  like  it  ? 

LARRY.    Like  what  ? 

SAMMY.  Now  you  know  how  she  feels  when  you 
don't  come  home  nights. 

LARRY.    Oh,  a  man's  different. 

SAMMY.  Yes,  makes  a  different  kind  of  an  ass 
of  himself.  I  told  you  we  should  have  stayed  home 
to-night.  (Sits  R.  of  table) 

LARRY.  Stayed  at  home  ?  Who  wanted  to  go  to 
the  Club?  I  had  to  entertain  you.  I'd  rather  have 
been  here  with  my  dear  wife. 

SAMMY.     (Imitating  him)    His  dear  wife • 

LARRY.  We  always  ate  dinner  together  at  the 
club  on  Saturday  night.  Maybe  I'll  never  eat  with 
her  again!  (He  breaks  down) 

SAMMY.    Say,  are  you  going  to  have  hysterics? 

LARRY.  That's  right,  you  cold-blooded  brute !  If 
it  hadn't  been  for  you,  all  this  wouldn't  have  hap 
pened — coming  out  here  estranging  me  from  my 
wife. 

SAMMY.  I  didn't  want  to  come.  (Gets  rid  of 
cigarette  on  ash-tray  on  table) 

LARRY.  You  didn't:  you  forced  yourself  on 
me! 

SAMMY.  I  like  that !  Dragged  out  of  my  nice  cozy 
flat,  roasted  all  day,  jumped  on  by  everybody,  bored 
with  a  lot  of  yaps  at  that  inebriates'  home  you  call  a 
club.  I  may  be  a  worm,  but  by  the  Jumping  Jeru 
salem.  (Rises)  I  can  do  a  flip-flap.  I'm  going  now. 
(He  starts  for  the  stairs) 

LARRY.  That's  right,  get  me  into  this  mess  and 
lay  down  on  me,  leave  me,  just  like  you !  You've  the 
heart  of  a  fish.  You've  driven  my  wife  out  of  her 
sheltering  home;  you'll  stay  here  and  help  me  find 


THE  COMMUTERS.  Og 

her — Anyway,  you  can't  go,  there  isn't  a  train. 
(SAMMY  returns  and  sits  gloomily.  A  pause. 
LARRY  looks  at  him,  gets  up,  runs  over  to  him) 
Why  don't  you  say  something?  Why  don't  you  do 
something? 

SAMMY.  What  the  hell  can  I  dof  I  don't  know 
where  your  dear  wife  is.  If  I  had  a  wife  I  wouldn't 
leave  her  lying  around  loose. 

LARRY.  If  you  had  a  wife — !  I'd  had  mine  if  it 
hadn't  been  for  you  and  your  cursed  flat !  What  do 
you  mean  enveigling  me  there,  getting  me  drunk, 
making  me  neglect  my  Hetty;  oh,  Hetty,  Hetty, 
where  are  you?  (Suddenly  rushes  to  the  telephone) 

SAMMY.  What  are  you  going  to  do  ?  (Rises  and 
comes  up) 

LARRY.    Call  up  Fan  Rolliston. 

SAMMY.  That's  a  cute  idea,  wake  people  up  at 
this  hour  of  the  morning ! 

LARRY.  What  do  I  care  for  the  people?  I  want 
my  Hetty. 

SAMMY.  Haven't  you  any  pride?  Do  you  want 
to  give  the  neighbors  the  impression  that  your  wife's 
out  on  a  bat?  (Puts  down  'phone) 

LARRY.  (Over  to  him)  How  dare  you  insult  my 
wife ! 

SAMMY.  Oh,  I  didn't  mean  what  you  mean !  My 
foot  slipped.  Now,  I  have  to  pick  and  choose  my 
language.  (LARRY  darts  back  to  the  phone)  Now 
what  are  you  going  to  do  ? 

LARRY.    Call  up  Mrs.  Graham. 

SAMMY.  Are  you  crazy?  Call  up  her  mother  at 
half -past  two  and  scare  her  out  of  her  fifty-seven 
senses !  Go  on — go  on — and  we'll  have  her  up  here 
in  hysterics !  (LARRY  puts  down  telephone)  And  I 
came  out  to  spend  a  nice  peaceful  day  in  the  country ! 
(Sits  R.  of  table) 

LARRY.  Haven't  you  had  it?  (Goes  R.  and  rits 
on  couch.  SAMMY  just  looks  at  him  and  groans) 


66  THE  COMMUTERS. 

If  anything  has  happened  to  Hetty,  I  swear  I'll  never 
stay  out  again. 

SAMMY.  Remorse  stuff:  "When  the  devil  was 
sick,  the  devil  a  saint  would  be." 

LARRY.     Can  that — ? 

SAMMY.  If  you  swear  to  stay  in  nights  when  she 
does  come  back,  it  would  be  more  like  it. 

LARRY.  Maybe  I'd  better  notify  the  police? 
(Jumps  up  quickly) 

SAMMY.  (Jumps  up,  heading  him  off)  If  you've 
got  a  straight- jacket  kicking  around  the  house,  I'll 
give  you  a  fitting  now. 

LARRY.  To  think  I've  made  her  suffer  like  this ! 
(Sits  again  on  couch) 

SAMMY.    Have  a  drink? 

LARRY.    I  never  want  to  see  the  stuff  again ! 

SAMMY.  Well,  you  are  on  the  mourner's  bench! 
(Picks  up  box  of  chocolates)  Have  a  chocolate? 

LARRY.  I'll  give  you  a  punch  in  the  eye! 
(Snatches  box  and  puts  it  on  stand  R.) 

(HETTY  has  come  to  the  door;  she  is  looking  in;  a 
step  is  heard  crunching  on  the  gravel  off  R.  She 
turns  around  startled  and  runs  aivay  again 
along  the  veranda  to  L.  LARRY  and  SAMMY 
hear  the  steps) 

LARRY.  That's  Hetty !  (Jumping  up.  Runs  up 
and  throws  open  the  door) 

SAMMY.  Not  unless  she  wears  a  number  eleven. 
(SAMMY  goes  L.) 

(ROLLISTON  appears  at  the  door.) 

LARRY.    Oh,  it's  you ! 

ROLLISTON.  Yes,  hello,  Sammy,  I  came  out  on 
the  last  train ;  saw  the  light  and  came  in. 

(Comes  down  c.    LARRY  R.    SAMMY  L.) 


THE  COMMUTERS.  67 

LARRY.  I've  awful  news  for  you,  Rollie.  (To 
SAMMY)  Perhaps  you'd  better  break  it  to  him, 
Sammy  ? 

SAMMY.  No:  "Let  George  do  it."  (Goes  back 
of  table  L.  c.) 

LARRY.    Hetty  has  disappeared. 

ROLLISTON.  (Screams  with  laughter;  during  his 
shrieks  he  speaks)  It's  working!  (Laughs)  It's 
working !  (Laughs) 

(LARRY  and  SAMMY  look  at  ROLLISTON  as  though 
he  had  suddenly  gone  mad.) 

SAMMY.    What's  working? 

ROLLISTON.  (He  looks  again  at  LARRY  and 
laughs)  This  is  rich!  (He  laughs  at  LARRY 
You're  so  easy!  (Sits  R.  of  table.  He  laughs) 

LARRY.  (Furiously,  coming  over  to  them)  If 
you  know  anything  about  my  Hetty's  disappearance 
don't  sit  there  grinning  like  a  pie-eyed  Billiken, 
spit  it  out! 

ROLLISTON.  Hetty  and  Fan  have  certainly  put 
one  over  on  you. 

LARRY.  (Looks  at  SAMMY)  Hetty  and  Fan! 
What  do  you  mean  ? 

ROLLISTON.  They  planned  this  disappearance  to 
give  you  a  scare. 

LARRY.    Oh,  piffle !    (  Turns  R.  ) 

ROLLISTON.  When  I  called  Fan  up  to-night  she 
put  me  wise  to  the  joke. 

LARRY.     (Looks  at  him  blankly)     Joke! 

ROLLISTON.  Yes,  Hetty's  been  at  my  house  all 
evening ;  she's  there  now. 

(HETTY  appears  at  windows  at  back.  He  laughs 
uproariously,  looks  at  SAMMY,  on  whom  the 
light  breaks.  SAMMY  yells  with  laughter.') 

SAMMY.    I'm  on.    (They  both  work  up  the  laugh 


68  THE  COMMUTERS. 

i— LARRY  growing  furious.    HETTY  has  disappeared 
again  unobserved) 

LARRY.  Laugh,  go  on !  (Laughs)  Go  on,  mock 
at  my  grief!  (SAMMY  and  ROLLISTON  shriek) 
You— !  (  To  SAMMY)  If  it  hadn't  been  for  you,  I'd 
have  telephoned  and  saved  myself  this  anguish 

ROLLISTON.     (Laughing)     Anguish? 

LARRY.  And  you!  (To  ROLLISTON)  Why  didn't 
you  'phone  me,  you're  a  fine  mut !  I  wouldn't  have 
let  them  put  one  over  on  you.  Husbands  should 
hang  together;  (Loud  laugh  from  SAMMY  and 
ROLLIE)  and  when  you're  both  through  acting  like 
a  couple  of  congenital  idiots  perhaps  you'll  explain 
the  whyness  of  this  joke.  (Crosses  R.) 

ROLLISTON.    He  isn't  on ! 

SAMMY.    No,  he's  cold!     (They  both  laugh) 

ROLLISTON.  Don't  you  perceive?  You  worried 
Hetty  by  staying  out  nights.  Reverse  English :  She 
wanted  to  worry  you 

LARRY.     I  see. 

ROLLISTON.    He  sees! 

SAMMY.    He's  getting  warm ! 

LARRY.    Who  put  Hetty  up  to  this  ? 

ROLLISTON.  Fan;  she  didn't  think  you  were 
treating  Hetty  squarely. 

LARRY.  (Right  up  to  him)  Oh,  she  didn't? 
Well  I  like  her  everlasting  nerve !  (Goes  back  R.  c.) 

ROLLISTON.  Here,  don't  get  fresh  with  my  wife ! 
(Rises  and  comes  forward  to  him) 

LARRY.  (Going  to  R.  c.)  Well,  you  tell  her  not 
to  get  fresh  with  mine ! 

SAMMY  (Comes  between  them)  Now,  don't  you 
two  start  anything ! 

LARRY.    Don't  you  butt  in.     (Pushes  him  back) 

ROLLISTON.  (To  SAMMY)  Well,  what  do  you 
think  of  him?  Can't  take  a  little  joke.  (Goes  L.) 

LARRY.  A  little  joke!  (Goes  R.  c.)  It's  all  very 
well  for  you  to  talk ;  you  haven't  sat  here  seeing  her 
laid  out  on  a  little  marble  slab ! 


THE  COMMUTERS.  69 

ROLLISTON.  Oh,  well,  (Takes  his  hat)  come  on 
over  home  and  get  your  dear  wife.  (Coming  up) 

SAMMY,  (c.,  stopping  them)  Wait  a  minute, 
wait  a  minute :  I've  an  idea. 

LARRY.    An  idea?    Bottle  it — (Goes  R.) 

SAMMY.  That's  the  trouble  with  you  husbands, 
you  never  know  how  to  turn  a  trick  to  your  advan 
tage.  Now,  if  you  take  my  advice 

LARRY.  I  don't  want  your  advice — all  I  want  is 
Hetty 

SAMMY.  Oh,  very  well, — you  know  it  all — 
(Crosses  L.  of  c.  LARRY  starts) 

ROLLISTON.  Hold  on,  he  has  an  occasional  gleam 
of  intelligence ;  (Indicating  SAMMY,  who  bows) 
bring  on  your  idea. 

SAMMY.    Sit  down.    (ROLLIE  sits  R.  of  table  L.  c.) 

LARRY.    No,  I'm  going  for  Hetty. 

ROLLISTON,    Oh,  sit  down! 

LARRY.  Now,  no  preliminaries !  (Brings  chair 
from  R.  to  R.  c.)  Get  busy  with  the  point.  (Sits  in 
it) 

SAMMY.  You'd  like  to  turn  the  laugh  on  Hetty ! 
Well,  to  begin  with 

LARRY.  (To  ROLLISTON)  Oh,  come  on.  (Rises 
and  comes  up  c.) 

SAMMY.  Don't  let  Hetty  know  you've  been  mak 
ing  an  ass  of  yourself. 

LARRY.  What  do  I  care  if  she  does  know  the 
truth  about  me?  (SAMMY  and  ROLLISTON  both 
laugh)  I  mean,  I  don't  care  what  she  knows — all 
I  want  to  do  is  to  take  Hetty  in  my  arms  and  im 
plore  her  forgiveness.  (Clasps  SAMMY  fervently  in 
his  arms.  LARRY  indignantly  pushes  him  off) 

SAMMY.  Good  heavens  !  You'd  think  the  woman 
wasn't  his  wife !  Do  you  want  to  give  her  the  whip 
handle  over  you  for  life? 

ROLLISTON.    There's  something  in  that - 

SAMMY.    You  see,  Rollie  knows ;  now,  you  don't 


70  THE  COMMUTERS. 

want  to  be  like  him  ?  Afraid  to  call  your  soul  your 
own! 

ROLLISTON.  (Rises  and  comes  to  L.  of  SAMMY) 
Who's  afraid  to  call  his  soul  his  own? 

LARRY.  (To  ROLLISTON)  Now,  you  start  some 
thing.  Let  him  finish ;  whatever  it  is,  it's  no  good. 
Go  on.  (Sits  again  R.  c.  ROLLIE  sits  L.) 

SAMMY.    If  I  weren't  really  fond  of  you. 

LARRY.    Cut  that,  the  point. 

ROLLISTON.    Yes,  the  point. 

SAMMY.  Rollie  goes  home,  doesn't  say  anything 
about  being  here,  advises  Mrs.  Brice  to  come  home. 
Mrs.  Brice  comes  home,  we're  in  bed,  indignant 
husband  for  you,  repentant  wife  for  Mrs.  Brice,  con 
cealed  laughter  for  little  Sammy. 

ROLLISTON.  Sounds  good  to  me.  (SAMMY 
smiles) 

LARRY.  I  don't  know,  I'm  not  very  strong  for 
it. 

SAMMY.  If  you  had  thought  of  it,  it  would  be 
immense. 

ROLLISTON.  Don't  you  see,  the  joke  will  be  on 
Hetty  and  Fan  ?  Listens  well. 

SAMMY.  (To  ROLLISTON)  Injured  husband, 
sitting  up  all  night. 

LARRY.  There,  you  see,  that's  his  bright  idea — -| 
she  knows  we  went  to  the  club.  Oh,  come  on  Rollie. 
(Rises  and  goes  up  c.) 

SAMMY.  (Stopping  him  and  bringing  him  down 
c.)  Don't  you  see — you  took  me  out  there  because 
you  didn't  want  to  embarass  her  owing  to  departure 
of  Carrie.  Hasty  bite,  quick  return — reward — a 
night  of  tortured  anxiety 

LARRY.  All  right.  (Crosses  to  c.  turns)  What 
do  you  do  first  ? 

SAMMY.  Go  make  yourself  look  like  a  distracted 
husband.  Rollie  and  I'll  give  this  room  a  worried 
look. 


THE  COMMUTERS.  71 

(ROLLIE  hangs  a  newspaper  neatly  over  back  of 
chair.  LARRY  starts  to  go  and  stops  on  lower 
step.) 

LARRY.    What  am  I  going  to  say  to  her? 

SAMMY.    "  Is  that  you,  darling?  " 

LARRY.  It's  easily  seen  you  never  came  home 
late  to  a  wife.  (Coming  down  c.) 

ROLLISTON.  "  Is  that  you,  darling?"  Not  a  bit 
like  it :  "  This  is  a  fine  time  to  get  home !  Where  the 
hell  have  you  been?  "  (Near  LARRY) 

LARRY.    Is  that  what  your  wife  hands  you? 

( ROLLIE  draws  back  angrily  and  gets  front  of  table 

L.  C.) 

SAMMY.  Well,  we'll  can  the  darling.  "  Is  that 
you,  Hetty?" 

LARRY.    (Business)    What  will  she  say  ? 

SAMMY.    Oh,  she'll  come  right  back  at  you  with — 

ROLLISTON.  (Interrupting)  Oh,  yes,  she'll  come 
right  back  at  you,  all  right.  (Front  of  table  L.  c.) 

SAMMY.  Say,  I  know  women:  if  you  hand  it 
to  her  right  in  a  more-in-sorrow-than-in-anger 
style  she'll  kneel  at  your  feet  and  beg 

LARRY.  (On  lower  steps)  Doesn't  sound  much 
like  Hetty! 

SAMMY.  It's  all  up  to  the  way  you  do  it.  Can't 
you  dig  up  a  candle  somewhere?  You  know;  get 
busy,  come  on,  Rollie.  (LARRY  starts  to  go.  SAMMY 
and  ROLLISTON  begin  to  throw  books  and  papers 
around.  SAMMY  grabs  paper  that  ROLLISTON  has 
placed  on  back  of  chair) 

SAMMY,,  Not  at  all,  not  at  all!  My  God,  where 
can  she  be?  (He  crushes  it  and  throws  it  at 
ROLLISTON) 

ROLLISTON.  (Picks  up  another  paper)  Oh, 
where,  oh,  where,  is  my  little  brown  wife  ?  (  Throws 
at  SAMMY) 


72  THE  COMMUTERS. 

LARRY.  Say — (Both  SAMMY  and  ROLLISTON 
turn)  What  are  you  two  trying  to  do  ?  Wreck  this 
place?  (Exits  into  his  room  off  balcony) 

ROLLISTON.  Isn't  he  the  fussy  little  party  ?  Gee, 
I'm  going  to  enjoy  this.  (Sits  in  chair  R.  of  table 
L.  c.) 

SAMMY.  You  enjoy  it?  You  won't  be  here. 
(Takes  up  ROLLISTON'S  hatf  puts  it  on  his  head  and 
leads  him  up  to  door) 

ROLLISTON.    Why  not? 

SAMMY.  You  yap,  you're  not  supposed  to  be  in 
on  this  joke.  All  you  have  to  do  is  chase  home  and 
send  her  here. 

ROLLISTON.  I  like  that,  me  frame  this  thing  up 
and  not  be  here  on  the  laugh ! 

SAMMY.  You  can  laugh  to-morrow.  (He  pushes 
ROLLISTON  out.  SAMMY  switches  out  the  lights 
from  switch  R.,  then  runs  into  room  L.,  turns  off 
light  and  runs  unstairs,  opens  LARRY'S  door  and 
says)  Fine!  (Goes  to  his  door,  laughs  and  exits. 
Shuts  door.  HETTY  appears  at  the  door,  enters, 
stops  as  though  a  thought  had  suddenly  occurred  to 
her,  opens  the  door,  holds  it  ajar  and  steps  on  the 
veranda  again) 

HETTY.  Good-night,  I've  had  a  perfectly  lovely 
evening.  (Enters,  comes  down  c.) 

(LARRY  appears  on  the  landing  in  dressing  gown  and 
slippers,  carrying  a  lighted  candle:  a  reversal 
of  the  usual  midnight  picture.) 

LARRY.  (In  mock  reproof)    Is  that  you,  Hetty? 

HETTY.  Yes,  dear.  (SAMMY  enters  and  stands 
in  door.  HETTY  goes  over  R.) 

LARRY.  Do  you  know  what  time  it  is  ? 

HETTY.  (Switching  on  the  lights)  Is  it  late, 
darling? 

LARRY.  Half-past  two. 


THE  COMMUTERS.  73 

HETTY.    Really? 

LARRY.  How  can  you  stay  out  so  late  when  you 
know  you  have  to  get  up  in  the  morning? 

HETTY.  Oh,  that's  ail  right,  dear,  to-morrow  is 
Sunday.  Hope  you  didn't  sit  up  for  me.  (Sits  on 
sofa) 

LARRY.  (Comes  downstairs  and  crosses  to  desk 
R.  c.)  You  know  I  can't  get  a  wink  of  sleep  until 
you're  in  the  house.  (Looks  at  SAMMY,  blows  out 
candle  and  places  it  on  table  R.  c.)  Where  have  you 
been?  Now,  Hetty,  don't  tell  me  you  have  been 
sitting  up  with  a  sick  friend?  (Moves  to  c.) 

HETTY.  Met  a  couple  of  the  girls,  had  a  couple 
of  drinks 

LARRY.    (Interrupting)    What? 

HETTY.  Of  cocoa.  We  got  to  telling  stories,  one 
led  to  another.  I  wanted  to  come  home,  but  as  you 
say,  one  can't  be  a  quitter. 

LARRY.  I  am  glad  you've  enjoyed  yourself. 
(Crosses  to  L.  c.)  Sammy  and  I  have  been  nearly 
frantic  with  anxiety.  (Turns  to  SAMMY  who,  on  the 
landing,  is  watching  the  scene) 

HETTY.    Oh,  good-evening,  Mr.  Fletcher. 

SAMMY.  Good-morning,  Mrs.  Brice.  (Comes 
downstairs)  We've  both  been  very  much  worried 
about  you. 

HETTY.  Oh,  Mr.  Fletcher,  it's  so  sweet  of  you 
to  worry.  (SAMMY  goes  down  to  LARRY'S  R.) 

LARRY.  (L.  c.)  Of  course,  I  don't  mind  for  my 
self,  but  it's  hardly  hospitable  to  Sammy  to  stay  out 
all  night  and  make  him  feel  as  though  he  weren't 
wanted.  (His  arm  around  SAMMY'S  shoulder) 

SAMMY.  Don't  reproach  her  on  my  account.  I 
did  feel  it:  it's  a  terrible  thing  to  have  a  sensitive 
disposition. 

HETTY.  This  room  looks  as  if  it  had  been  struck 
by  a  cyclone.  You  seem  to  have  been  enjoying  your 
self  ?  (Gets  box  of  chocolates) 

LARRY.    (Exchanges  look  with  SAMMY)    Sammy, 


74  THE  COMMUTERS. 

do  you  hear  her,  enjoying  ourselves!    I've  had  a 
night  of  tortured  anxiety. 

HETTY.  If  I  had  thought  you  would  worry  about 
me — but  there  have  been  so  many  evenings  tha: 
you've  managed  to  be  content  with  Mr.  Fletcher's 
society.  (LARRY  crosses  down  L.  c.  near  armchair, 
SAMMY  moves  towards  HETTY.  To  SAMMY)  Have 
a  chocolate  ? 

(LARRY  and  SAMMY  are  staggered  a  moment. 
SAMMY  recovers  while  LARRY  sits  in  armchair. 
SAMMY  in  pantomime  indicates  telephone.) 

LARRY.    Why  didn't  you  telephone  me  ? 

HETTY.  I  did  intend  to,  but  the  time  slipped 
away  and  I  didn't  want  to  disturb  your  rest 

LARRY.  Disturb  my  rest,  and  did  you  think  I 
could  sleep  calmly  not  knowing  where  you  were  or 
what  you  were  doing?  (Rises  and  comes  c.)  By 
the  way,  what  were  you  doing? 

HETTY.    Oh,  didn't  I  tell  you? 

(SAMMY  comes  down  c.) 

LARRY.    No. 

HETTY.    Didn't  I? 

LARRY.  I  didn't  hear  you  mention  it,  did  you, 
Sammy  ? 

SAMMY.    Nary  a  mention 

HETTY.  Granted  that  I  am  accountable  for  my 
actions  to  my  husband — (They  both  bow)  though 
I  don't  grant  it.  (Both  draw  themselves  up)  I  am 
accountable  only  to  him. 

SAMMY.  Zowie!  (Crosses  back  of  LARRY  to  L. 
of  c.  He  retires  knocked  out.  HETTY  helps  her 
self  to  a  chocolate) 

LARRY.  (Crosses  to  her  c.)  Come,  come,  Hetty, 
you're  evading  the  point — where  were  you? 


THE  COMMUTERS.  ft 

(SAMMY  comes  down  L.  c.) 

HETTY.  I  don't  see  that  it  is  necessary  that  you 
should  know. 

(Exchange  of  looks  between  LARRY  and  SAMMY.) 

LARRY.  I've  a  right  to  know:  I'm  your  hus 
band! 

HETTY.  I'm  your  wife,  but  under  similar  circum 
stances,  I  don't  cross  examine  you.  I'm  content  with 
your  explanations,  no  matter  how  fishy  they  are. 

'(SAMMY  gives  suppressed  giggle.) 

LARRY.  (Crossing  to  SAMMY)  When  does  she 
kneel  and  beg? 

SAMMY.  She's  missed  the  cue — go  after  her — 
(Crosses  back  of  him  and  pulls  him  by  arm  to  c.) 

LARRY.  These  excuses  will  not  do.  (HETTY 
turns  and  laughs  tantalizingly,  puts  chocolates  on 
stand  by  her  R.)  Have  you  no  longer  any  feeling 
for  me,  (Exchanges  looks  with  SAMMY  and  crosses 
down  to  chair  R.  of  table  L.  c.)  that  you  could  con 
demn  me  to  an  evening  of  tortured  anxiety  ? 

HETTY.  You're  repeating  yourself !  (He  sits  in 
arm-chair  R.  of  table  L.  c.)  Well,  how  do  you  like 
an  evening  of  tortured  anxiety  ?  How  do  you  like  to 
sit  here  waiting,  waiting,  trying  to  convince  yourself 
that  the  one  you  love  is  safe  somewhere  enjoying 
himself  without  thought  of  you  ?  But  you — you  are 
worrying — worrying.  A  call  on  the  telephone  and 
your  heart  stands  still  with  fear!  Perhaps  some 
thing  has  happened,  dead  possibly,  and  you  wonder 
were  you  kind  to  him  that  morning !  Did  he  kiss  you 
good-bye?  Oh,  God,  suppose  you  never  kiss  him 
good-bye  again!  I've  had  several  nights  of  that, 
you've  had  one.  (Rises)  Well,  how  do  you  like 
it?  (Crosses  to  him)  How  do  you  like  it ?  (Turns 


76  THE  COMMUTERS. 

up-stage  to  the  stairs.  LARRY  and  SAMMY  are 
paralyzed.  The  telephone  bell  rings  sharply,  LARRY 
rises  and  crosses  to  'phone  R.  SAMMY  gest  up-stage 
near  c.  window) 

LARRY.  Hello !  Oh,  hello,  Rollie.  Yes,  Hetty's 
here.  What  a  relief !  She  left  your  house  at  half- 
past  nine  with  Dr.  Lloyd.  (He  slams  the  receiver  on 
the  telephone.  LARRY  crosses  to  her  quickly) 
Where  have  you  been  ?  I  insist  on  knowing  where 
you've  been?  This  joke  is  going  far  enough 
(Crosses  down  R.) 

HETTY.    What  joke?    (Follows  to  c.) 

LARRY.  The  joke  you  and  Fan  were  to  play  on 
me.  Well,  you'll  just  explain  where  Dr.  Lloyd  comes 
in  on  this  joke.  Where  have  you  been  with  Dr. 
Lloyd — (Close  to  her) 

HETTY.  (L.  of  c.)  I  refuse  to  answer  that  ques 
tion,  I  refuse  to  insult  you  by  acknowledging  that 
the  question  has  been  asked. 

LARRY.  (R.  of  c.)  You  can't  answer  it.  You've 
been  out  until  this  hour  of  the  morning  with  Dr. 
Lloyd ! 

HETTY.  I  don't  deny  that  I've  seen  Dr.  Lloyd,  but 
I  do  deny  your  right  to  question  me  in  such  a  man 
ner. 

LARRY.  You  don't  deny  it!  (Goes  R.)  That's 
good,  you  can't.  I  saw  you  with  him ;  you  were  in 
his  car;  we  passed  you  not  half  an  hour  ago.  The 
point  is,  you'll  tell  me  now  at  once  where — (Comes 
to  her  R.)  you've  been! 

HETTY.    I'll  tell  you  nothing.     (Starts  for  stairs) 

LARRY.  You  won't,  eh?  I'll  soon  find  out.  (He 
darts  to  the  telephone) 

HETTY.     What  are  you  going  to  do? 

LARRY.     Call  up  Dr.  Lloyd. 

HETTY.  If  you  humiliate  me  by  calling  up  Dr. 
Lloyd,  I'll  walk  out  of  this  house  and  never  set  foot 
in  it  again!  (She  comes  c.)  I  warn  you  there's 
a  limit  even  to  my  endurance.  You  can  ignore  me, 


THE  COMMUTERS.  77 

neglect  me ;  rebel  and  I  am  made  the  object  of  vulgar 
suspicion.  I  must  sit  patiently  at  home.  What  do 
you  care  for  me  or  my  loneliness ;  you  must  be  free 
to  amuse  yourself  as  you  see  fit.  Now  I  intend  to 
enjoy  an  equal  liberty,  and  when  you  leave  me  to 
spend  my  evenings  alone,  don't  presume  to  call  me 
to  account.  (Starts  for  stairs) 

SAMMY.  ( Who  has  been  standing  at  back,  coming 
forward  quickly)  It's  all  a  joke,  Mrs.  Brice. 

HETTY.  (Laughs  bitterly)  A  joke  to  be  humili 
ated,  insulted;  that's  not  my  idea  of  a  joke!  (Goes 
up  to  first  landing.  She  turns  and  runs  upstairs. 
LARRY  runs  after  her,  to  foot  of  stairs)  No — no — 
don't  come  near  me,  don't  touch  me.  I  hate  you — I 
hate  you!  I  hate  you!  (She  exits  and  slams,  the 
door) 

SAMMY.    This  is  a  hell  of  a  joke ! 

CURTAIN. 


ACT  IV. 

SCENE: — The  veranda  of  the  BRICE  home. 
TIME: — Sunday  morning. 

On  the  left  of  the  stage  and  occupying  about 
one-third  of  it  is  a  suburban  house  with  a 
veranda  which  has  a  low  railing.  In  the  center 
of  the  veranda  double  glass  doors  lead  to  living- 
room,  the  backing  for  these  doors  is  a  portion 
of  the  second  act  set.  On  each  side  of  the  door 
is  a  pot  containing  a  formal  box  tree.  On  the 
floor  of  the  veranda  a  rug.  At  up-stag e  end  of 
veranda  a  small  wicker  armchair,  another  be 
low  the  glass  doors,  and  a  third  at  down 
stage  end  of  veranda.  Between  these  two  chairs 
against  the  wall  of  the  house  is  a  small  stand 
with  a  bowl  of  flowersf  magazines^  etc.  At  the 


;8  THE  COMMUTERS. 

windows  of  the  house  are  awnings  and  window 
boxes.  The  house  and  veranda  are  on  a  plat 
form  two  feet  high  with  steps  leading  to  the 
stage.  A  white  picket  fence  surrounds  the  yard 
with  a  gate  opposite  the  steps  R.  c.  On  each 
side  of  the  path  from  the  gate  to  the  steps  is  a 
border  of  pansies  in  bloom.  Peonies  and  fox 
gloves  in  bloom  are  banked  against  the  picket 
fence  at  the  rear  of  stage  and  against  the 
veranda,  the  up-stage  pillars  of  which  are 
wreathed  with  climbing  roses.  Grass  mats 
simulate  the  lawn  and  border  the  sidewalk  out 
side  the  picket  fence.  The  back  drop  is  the 
same  as  used  in  the  other  acts.  In  addition  there 
are  foliage  borders,  and  wood  wings  represent 
ing  a  row  of  trees  on  R.  of  stage. 
Discovered: — At  rise  of  the  curtain  LARRY  and 
SAMMY  seated  on  the  veranda.  SAMMY  on  top 
of  steps — he  is  behind  a  Sunday  paper.  LARRY'S 
paper  is  in  his  lap — he  is  the  picture  of  utter 
wretchedness  as  he  stares  straight  ahead  of  him 
into  space.  SAMMY  turns  his  paper,  takes  a 
sidelong  look  at  LARRY,  then  lays  the  paper 
in  his  lap  and  takes  out  his  cigarette  case. 
Nudges  LARRY  who  accepts  one.  His  manner  is 
preoccupied.  A  pause. 

LARRY.    Where  do  you  suppose  she  was  ? 

SAMMY.  (Wearily — seated  on  a  small  straw 
cushion  at  top  of  steps)  Still  harping  on  my  daugh 
ter. 

LARRY.     (Absently)    What  daughter? 

SAMMY.    Oh,  just  a  little  thing  of  Shakespeare's. 

LARRY.  (Disgustedly)  What's  Shakespeare  to 
do  with  me  and  Hetty  ? 

(SAMMY  laughs,  LARRY  glares  at  himf  SAMMY  stops 
abruptly.) 


THE  COMMUTERS.  7$ 

SAMMY.  I  beg  your  pardon,  I  can't  help  seeing 
the  funny  side  of  everything. 

LARRY.  The  man  that  can  see  the  funny  side  of 
this  affair,  has  a  ghoulish  sense  of  humor 

SAMMY.  It  is  funny.  A  big  husky  kid  like  you 
afraid  of  a  little  woman.  Why  don't  you  kiss  and 
make  up  ? 

LARRY.    The  best  I'd  get  would  be  a  call-down. 

SAMMY.  Why,  Mrs.  Brice  seemed  to  be  very 
pleasant  at  the  breakfast  table. 

LARRY.  That's  all  you  know  about  it.  A  wife's 
never  so  pleasant  as  when  she's  laying  to  hand  you 
one. 

SAMMY.    Well,  if  you  take  my  advice 

LARRY.  I  have  had  too  much  of  your  advice  and 
your  fool  jokes. 

SAMMY.    You  shouldn't  carry  a  joke  too  far. 

LARRY.    I  did  exactly  as  you  told  me. 

SAMMY.  Did  I  tell  you  to  drag  in  jealousy  of  Dr. 
Lloyd  ?  That  was  one  of  your  own  little  trimmings. 

LARRY.  As  her  husband,  I've  a  perfect  right  to 
know  that  my  wife  was  doing  out  at  that  hour  of  the 
morning. 

SAMMY.  If  you  had  worked  it  right  she'd  have 
told  you.  If  I'd  been  talked  to  by  my  husband — 
told  you.  If  I'd  been  talked  to  by  my  husband. 

SAMMY.  You  know  what  I  mean :  flying  off  the 
handle,  you  hurt  her  pride. 

LARRY.    That's  right,  take  her  part ! 

SAMMY.     She'd  have  told  you,  all  right. 

LARRY.  Of  course  you  know  it  all.  (SAMMY 
offended,  picks  up  his  paper  and  begins  to  read) 
Can't  you  see  how  miserable  I  am  ? 

SAMMY.  I'm  not  having  a  particularly  hilarious 
time. 

LARRY.  You  got  me  into  this  mess.  It's  up  to 
you  to  get  me  out  of  it. 

SAMMY.    I'm  no  first  aid  to  fool  husbands. 
LARRY.    You're  so  clever,  so  full  of  your 


80  THE  COMMUTERS. 

jokes,  joke  me  out  of  this.  (SAMMY  continues  read 
ing)  What's  the  matter  with  you  this  morning? 
You  haven't  the  brain  of  a  hen. 

SAMMY.  What  do  you  expect?  Locked  me  out 
of  my  room.  Let  me  spend  half  the  night  on  that 
couch  in  there,  and  then  when  you  did  let  me  share 
your  bed,  talked  me  deaf,  dumb  and  silly.  I'm  no 
perennial  bright-eyes. 

LARRY.    I  wasn't  very  hospitable;  I'm  sorry. 

SAMMY.    Oh,  that's  all  right. 

LARRY.  But  I  can't  think  of  other  people's  feel 
ings.  I've  my  own  to  think  about.  Do  you  think 
she'll  forgive  me? 

SAMMY.  Now  see  here,  you  asked  me  that  ques 
tion  about  eighty-seven  times  last  night.  I've  heard 
your  sad  story  so  often  that  if  you'll  give  me  a  chord 
in  G  minor  I  could  do  it  as  a  cantata.  How  do  I 
know  what  she'll  do?  Go  ask  her  and  let  me  read 
about  other  people's  troubles.  (He  grasps  his  paper 
irritably) 

LARRY.  And  this  is  the  man  I've  always  treated 
as  a  friend ! 

'(HETTY  appears  at  the  door.  She  is  politely  frigid 
in  her  demeanor.  The  men  risef  SAMMY  goes 
down  steps,  paper  in  hand.) 

LARRY.  Can  I  help  you  wash  the  breakfast 
dishes  ? 

HETTY.  (Sitting  in  chair)  They're  washed, 
thank  you. 

(LARRY  subsides  in  his  chair.     There  is  a  pause.) 

SAMMY.  (Going  to  her)  Would  you  care  to 
look  at  this  paper  ? 

HETTY.  No,  thank  you,  I'm  not  in  the  mood  for 
reading. 

SAMMY.    Not  even  the  comic  section?    (Offering 


THE  COMMUTERS.  8* } 

her  the  picture  supplement.  HETTY  looks  cfr  Jivm 
•frigidly.  SAMMY  sneaks  back,  a  strained  silence 
ensues,  LARRY  and  SAMMY  steal  apprehensive 
glances  at  her.  SAMMY  is  smoking)  Does  this 
smoke  annoy  you? 
HETTY.  Not  at  all. 

(A  strained  silence  ensues  again.) 

SAMMY.  If  you'll  excuse  me  I'll  pack  the  bag 
you  loaned  me.  (  Goes  up  on  veranda  as  if  to  go  into 
house;  picks  up  the  straw  cushion  he  was  sitting  on 
at  beginning  of  act) 

HETTY.  (When  he  is  near  door)  You're  not 
leaving  us,  Mr.  Fletcher  ? 

SAMMY.  (Coming  back  to  her  L.)  Yes,  111 
have  to  take  the  1 1 : 02. 

HETTY.    Oh,  if  your  mind  is  made  up— 

SAMMY.  Oh,  yes,  my  mind's  made  up.  (SAMMY 
starts  to  go.  LARRY  clutches  at  his  arm  and  hangs- 
on  like  grim  death) 

LARRY.  You  can  pack  that  bag  later :  you've  loads 
of  time. 

(SAMMY  throws  down  cushion  and  paper,  and  goes 
back  down  the  steps.) 

SAMMY.  It's  a  pleasant  day.  (Pauses)  The 
flowers  are  doing  well.  (Giggles.  A  pause)  Great 
weather  for  lawns.  (Giggles.  A  pause)  Doesn't 
any  one  use  this  street  on  Sunday  ? 

HETTY.    I'm  sorry  you  find  it  dull. 

SAMMY.  Oh,  no,  not  at  all.  It's  very  restful  after 
last  night.  (HETTY  turns  on  him.  He  turns  away, 
angry  with  himself)  A  change  from  the  city,  you 
know.  (A  pause)  Funny  thing  about  Sunday.  If 
I  were  blindfolded  and  led  to  a  foreign  country 
where  I  had  lost  all  sense  of  time  and  place  and  were 
awakened  on  Sunday,  I'd  know  it  by  that  sabbath 


'82  THE  COMMUTERS. 

calm.     (Giggles)    You  can  cut  it  with  a  knife. 
HETTY.    How  interesting.    (Yawning) 
SAMMY.    Apparently  Auburn  Manor  doesn't  stir 

its  stumps  on  Sunday. 

HETTY.     (To  SAMMY)     It's  the  one  day  in  the 

week  when  wives  can  cease  from  troubling  about 

their  (Severely  towards  LARRY)  husband's  train. 

(LARRY  winces;  SAMMY  looks  from  one  to  the 
other.) 

SAMMY.  I  must  pack  that  bag.  (He  exits 
quickly) 

(A  pause  again :  LARRY  watches  HETTY  furtively.  A 
pause,  then  LARRY  rises  determinedly  and 
comes  to  HETTY.) 

LARRY.  (On  her  L.)  Oh,  what's  the  use  of  sulk 
ing? 

HETTY.  I'm  not  sulking,  I'm  perfectly  pleasant. 
(She  smiles  acidly) 

LARRY.    Ah,  what's  the  use  of  keeping  this  up? 

HETTY.    I'm  not  keeping  anything  up  \ 

LARRY.    Then  you're  not  angry  ? 

HETTY.    Why  should  I  be  angry  ? 

LARRY.    I'm  very  sorry. 

HETTY.    That's  nice. 

LARRY.    I  was  a  beast  last  night. 

HETTY.    You  were. 

LARRY.  Oh,  well,  you  weren't  so  pleasant  your 
self.  (Turns  away  L.) 

HETTY.  Had  I  any  very  especial  reason  to  be 
pleasant?  Insult  me,  humiliate  me,  before  a 
stranger — do  you  expect  me  to  like  it  ? 

LARRY.    Do  you  want  me  to  get  down  and  grovel  ? 

HETTY.    Not  in  your  Sunday-go-to-meeting  suit 

LARRY.    Oh,  damn  the  suit.    (Turns  up-stage) 

HETTY.    Why,  it's  a  very  nice  suit. 


THE  COMMUTERS.  83 

LARRY.  Oh,  Hetty,  let  us  drop  all  this !  Don't  you 
see  how  wretched  I  am  ? 

(HETTY  turns  and  looks  at  him  searchingly.) 

HETTY.   You  look  about  as  usual. 

LARRY.    I  didn't  sleep  a  wink  last  night. 

HETTY.    I  did — like  a  top. 

LARRY.  I  wouldn't  have  believed  that  you  could 
be  so  utterly  heartless. 

HETTY.  And  I  wouldn't  have  believed  that  you 
could  be  so  utterly  unjust. 

LARRY.  There's  some  excuse:  I  had  that  man 
Fletcher  on  my  hands  all  evening. 

HETTY.  You  had  none  the  best  of  me :  I  had  him 
all  day. 

LARRY.    He's  going  soon,  thank  God ! 

HETTY.  Oh,  Larry,  that  isn't  nice  to  talk  about 
your  friends.  It  isn't  hospitable. 

LARRY.  Hospitality  be  blowed !  Come  on,  Hetty, 
be  a  good  fellow,  say  you  forgive  me.  (He  tries  to 
put  his  arm  around  her) 

HETTY.    Are  you  sorry,  really  sorry? 

LARRY.    Am  I  ? 

HETTY.    And  you  won't  stay  out  again? 

LARRY.    Never. 

HETTY.    Sure  ? 

LARRY.  Cinch.  Now  that's  all  settled,  say,  where 
were  you  and  Dr.  Lloyd  last  night  ? 

HETTY.  (Rising  quickly)  So  that's  why  you 
made  up  and  begged  for  forgiveness,  to  trap  me  into 
some  admission  ?  you  don't  trust  me  now !  (Crosses 

L.) 

LARRY.    (Interrupting)    Yes — yes. 

HETTY.  (Turns)  You  don't.  I'd  have  told  you 
in  another  moment,  but  now  you  can  find  out — 
(LARRY  tries  to  explain)  No,  no,  you've  killed  my 
love — (HETTY  exits  into  house.  Enter  SAMMY 
carrying  a  ba$  on  which  we  the  letters  L.  B.  He 


84  THE  COMMUTERS. 

stops  abruptly,  looks  after  her,  and  puts  hat  and  bag 
down) 

SAMMY.    (Cheerily)    Well? 

LARRY.  I've  killed  her  love !  (Standing  in  daze. 
SAMMY  laughs)  If  you  want  to  retain  the  slightest 
popularity  in  this  vicinity,  choke  off  that  insane 
giggle ! 

SAMMY.    I  thought  you'd  patched  it  up? 

LARRY.    I  thought  I  had.    (Sits  in  chair) 

SAMMY.    What  happened? 

LARRY.  I  humbled  myself,  begged  her  forgive 
ness.  She  forgave  me  and  then  I  did  as  you  told  me 
— asked  her  where  she'd  been. 

SAMMY.  Did  as  I  told  you  to  ?  Lord,  man,  I  told 
you  not  to  mention  it.  I  wash  my  hands  of  the  whole 
affair. 

(FAN  appears  on  the  street,  dressed  for  church. 
SAMMY  sees  her  as  he  turns  away  from  LARRY.) 

FAN.  (Outside  gate)  Oh,  Larry,  may  I  speak 
to  you  a  moment,  please  ? 

LARRY.     (Rises)    Good-morning. 

FAN.    Hetty  telephoned  me  this  morning. 

LARRY.    What  did  she  say?    (Crosses  to  gate) 

FAN.  Oh,  what  didn't  she  say?  (LARRY  opens 
gate,  she  passes  in)  Rollie  said  it  was  up  to  me  to 
come  over  and  square  myself.  Oh,  what's  the 
trouble  ? 

LARRY.  Oh,  nothing.  Hetty's  going  to  divorce 
me,  that's  all. 

SAMMY.    Larry  exaggerates  the  situation. 

FAN.    I'll  learn  the  situation  from  Mr.  Brice. 

LARRY.    You  know  Mr.  Fletcher? 


'(SAMMY  moves  forward  as  if  to  shake  hands  with 

her.) 
FAN.    Know  him?    (SAMMY  draws  back)    He's 


THE  COMMUTERS.  8j 

the  cause  of  it  all.    I  only  gave  Hetty  a  little  advice. 

LARRY.  (To  SAMMY)  Everybody's  very  gay 
with  advice.  It's  getting  to  be  a  habit. 

FAN.  I'll  never  interfere  again;  I  only  meant  it 
as  a  joke.  (Crying) 

SAMMY.  Pardon  me,  Mrs.  Rolliston,  but  joke  is 
on  the  taboo  here. 

LARRY.  (FAN  cries  still  louder)  Oh,  don't  cry, 
Fan. 

FAN.  (Goes  up  on  veranda)  I  can't  help  it ;  I'm 
an  old  married  woman,  but  Rollie  never  talked  to 
me  in  my  life  as  he  did  this  morning !  (Sits)  But 
I'm  not  responsible  for  Hetty's  staying  out  until  half- 
past  two.  Where  was  she? 

SAMMY.  That's  the  pulsating  question  of  the 
hour. 

FAN.  What  could  anybody  find  to  do  in  Auburn 
Manor  until  half-past  two?  Did  you  ask  her? 

LARRY.    Did  I  ask  her !        , 

FAN.  Why,  if  Rollie  asked  me  about  anything  I 
wouldn't  dare  to  refuse  to  tell  him 

LARRY.  Rollie  has  you  trained — (Laugh  from 
SAMMY,  LARRY  looks  at  him  reprovingly) 

FAN.    She  was  at  her  mother's. 

LARRY.  She  was  not;  I  'phoned  this  morning. 
Mrs.  Graham's  on  her  way  here  now.  Hetty  was 
with  Doctor  Lloyd. 

FAN.  But  we  were  bored  to  death  with  Dr.  Lloyd 
at  half-past  nine. 

SAMMY.  Well,  we  ain't  "gettin*  any  forrader." 
Someone  of  us  ought  to  straighten  it  out.  Here  we 
are,  three  intelligent  people. 

FAN.    Speak  for  yourself,  please. 

LARRY.  Oh,  Fan,  you  go  to  her,  beg  her  to  give 
me  another  chance. 

FAN.  Let  him  go,  he's  responsible.  Hetty's  a 
dear,  but  you  don't  know  what  she  can  be  when  she's 
angry. 

SAMMY.    Oh,  don't  I? 


86  THE  COMMUTERS. 

HARRY.  Fan,  you  wquldn't  see  me  in  the  divorce 
court  ?  Do  this  for  me  and  I'll  do  as  much  for  you 
when  you  get  there. 

FAN.  (Turning  to  him  quickly)  Thanks,  it 
won't  be  necessary,  if  you'll  stop  leading  Rollie 
astray. 

LARRY.    Don't  blame  me,  Fan,  it's  Sammy. 

SAMMY.    I'm  the  goat. 

FAN.  (Rises)  Well,  I  suppose  this  is  my  punish 
ment.  (She  goes  L.) 

SAMMY.    Good  luck,  and  the  Lord  be  with  you. 

(MRS.  GRAHAM  enters  from  house.) 

LARRY.    Hello,  mater,  where  did  you  spring  from  ? 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  I  came  in  the  back  way.  What 
ever  is  the  matter  with  you  children?  Good-morn 
ing,  Fan ;  you  telephoned  me  asking  me  where  Hetty 
was  last  night.  (Bows  frigidly  to  SAMMY;  LARRY 
motions  her  to  sit)  Hetty  telephoned  me  to  come 
and  see  her  at  once.  It's  a  singular  time  to  upset  my 
nerves.  (Sits  in  chair  above  steps  on  veranda)  It's 
hardly  proper.  In  fact,  it's  sacrilegious  to  quarrel 
on  Sunday. 

SAMMY.    The  better  the  day 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Interrupting)  I  felt  that  some 
thing  was  wrong.  I  never  dream  of  black  water 
but  I'm  sure  to  awaken  to  trouble.  (FAN  sits  in 
chair  down  L.  on  veranda)  Well,  I  think  someone 
of  you  might  relieve  a  mother's  anxiety — (All  three 
try  to  speak)  and  not  keep  me  in  this  fearful  sus 
pense.  (All  three  try  to  speak)  What  has  happened 
to  my  poor  child?  (All  three  try  to  speak)  Oh, 
somebody  say  something! 

SAMMY.    We'd  like  to 

LARRY.    You  see,  mater,  it's  like  this 

SAMMY.  (Interrupting)  Oh,  for  heaven's  sake, 
don't  go  all  over  it  again. 

FAN.    It's  just  this  way,  Mrs.  Graham • 


THE  COMMUTERS.  87 

SAMMY.  (Interrupting)  Pardon  me,  Mrs.  Rol- 
liston:  I  was  there,  and  I  know.  Briefly,  Mrs. 
Graham :  dinner  at  club — arrived  home  two  fifteen — 
no  Mrs.  B.  Mrs.  B.  arrives  2 :  30 — Larry  asks  her 
where  she's  been 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    A  perfectly  proper  question. 

SAMMY.  Certainly,  sometimes.  (MRS.  GRAHAM 
looks  at  him  quickly)  Then  Larry  sees  fit  to  bring 
an  accusation 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Interrupting)  Of  what  has  he 
accused  the  poor  child  ? 

SAMMY.    Of  being  out  with  Dr.  Lloyd. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Rising)  How  dare  you,  Larry, 
impute  aught  save  what  is  innocent  to  my  daughter  ? 

LARRY.    Well,  if  you  came  home  late  at  night. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Interrupting)  I  never  came 
home  late  at  night.  I'm  in  bed  every  evening  at 
nine  o'clock,  except  Wednesday  evening,  prayer 
meeting.  Why  should  my  home  coming  be  dragged 
in?  (Sits  again.  LARRY  groans) 

FAN.    But  if  you  should 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  I  tell  you  I  never  come  home 
late — a  woman  of  my  years !  What  would  I  be  doing 
out  late  at  night?  Don't  be  ridiculous,  Fan !  (FAN 
subsides)  Will  no  one  explain  all  this  to  me? 

SAMMY.  Mrs.  Brice  has  been  out  until  half-past 
two  and  Larry  naturally  but  foolishly  wondered 
where  ?  Mark  the  insignificant  word  "  where  ",  that 
has  put  this  happy  home  on  the  blink. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Oh,  what's  the  man  talking 
about  ? 

SAMMY.    She  won't  tell  Larry  where  she's  been. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    Don't  talk  nonsense ! 

SAMMY.  Does  that  broken-hearted  man  look  as 
though  it  were  nonsense  ?  Mark  the  anguish. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (Interrupting)  Oh,  do  be  quiet! 
(Squelches  him)  Larry,  do  you  mean  to  tell  me 
that  I've  been  dragged  up  here  on  a  hot  morning  be- 


88  THE  COMMUTERS. 

cause  of  this  tomfoolery?     You're  her  husband, 
insist  on  her  telling  you. 

LARRY.    I  tried  to,  but  she  won't. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Where  is  she?  (Starts  to  go 
into  the  house) 

LARRY.  Mater,  you'll  have  to  approach  her 
gently. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Gently !  my  own  child !  I'll  just 
ask  her  a  plump  and  plain  question,  and  I'll  see  to 
it  that  I  get  a  plain  reply. 

FAN.  (Rising)  Oh,  I  think  I'd  better  go,  Mrs. 
Graham. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  She's  my  daughter,  Mrs.  Rollis- 
ton ;  I  hope  I  know  how  to  deal  with  my  own  flesh 
and  blood!  (MRS.  GRAHAM  starts  to  go.  HETTY 
appears  dressed  for  church.  She  has  a  telegram  in 
her  hand;  she  stops  at  the  sight  of  the  quartette  who 
are  momentarily  embarrassed) 

HETTY.  (Sarcastically)  Has  the  jury  brought 
in  its  verdict  ? 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  Hetty,  I'm  surprised  at  you — If 
you  were  true  to  your  up-bringing,  a  verdict 
wouldn't  be  needed.  I  ask  you — (SAMMY  tries  to 
stop  MRS.  GRAHAM.  She  resents  it)  a  simple 
question :  (HETTY  starts  resentfully — the  others  try 
to  stop  MRS.  GRAHAM)  where  were  you  last  night? 

HETTY.  So  you  four  have  been  sitting  here  dis 
cussing  me!  You  make  our  quarrel  public  prop 
erty. 

FAN.  (Interrupting)  We  are  your  friends, 
Hetty,  and  have  you  and  .Larry's  interest  at  heart. 
You  should  tell  us  where  you  were ;  this  has  gone  far 
enough. 

HETTY.    Quite  far  enough.    What  right  have  you, 
any  of  you  to  pry  into  my  private  affairs? 
MRS.  GRAHAM.    I  am  your  mother. 
HETTY.    I  am  of  age,  and  a  wife ;  I've  a  right  to 
the  freedom  of  the  individual. 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    Don't  quote  that  Mrs.  Crane  to 


THE  COMMUTERS.  89 

me!  I  always  said  that  woman  was  a  trouble- 
breeder. 

HETTY.  (Ignoring  her)  When  anything  in  my 
conduct  calls  for  question,  I'll  explain  it,  and  not 
until  then. 

FAN.  ( Very  much  offended)  I  may  have 
usurped  the  privilege  of  a  friend,  Hetty,  but  you've 
equally  usurped  it.  (Comes  down  step  and  joins 
LARRY) 

HETTY.  I'm  sorry  to  have  offended  you,  Fan,  but 
this  matter  is  entirely  between  Larry  and  myself. 

(FAN  turns  away.  LARRY  joins  her  and  expostulates 
with  her.  As  FAN  moves  down,  MRS.  GRAHAM 
gets  to  L.  of  HETTY.) 

MRS.  GRAHAM.  (To  HETTY  L.  of  her)  Hetty, 
I'd  like  to  spank  you !  (Comes  down  steps) 

HETTY.  Oh,  Mr.  Fletcher,  here's  a  telegram  for 
you.  (Gives  him  telegram) 

SAMMY.    When  did  this  come? 

HETTY.    Last  night? 

SAMMY.    Last  night  ? 

HETTY.    Yes. 

SAMMY.    What  time  was  it  delivered  ? 

HETTY.  (Indifferently — watching  LARRY  and 
FAN)  About  ten  o'clock. 

SAMMY.    You  received  it  then : 

HETTY.  Yes,  I  meant  to  give  it  to  you,  but  I  for 
got. 

SAMMY.  Then  you  were  in  the  house  all  the 
time? 

LARRY.    What! 

MRS.  GRAHAM.    Why  on  earth  didn't  you  say  so? 

HETTY.    I  didn't  have  a  chance. 

LARRY.  Oh,  Hetty.  (Running  up  steps  to 
HETTY)  Who  was  in  Dr.  Lloyd's  car  last  night? 

HETTY.  The  nurse.  Didn't  you  know  the  Jones's 
had  a  new  baby? 


90  THE  COMMUTERS. 

(He  goes  to  put  his  arms  around  her.  Church  bells 
begin;  she  hands  him  hat  which  is  on  the 
table.  ROLLISTON  and  MRS.  SHIPMAN  have 
appeared  up  the  street,  followed  by  MR.  and 
MRS.  APPLEBEE  and  MR.  and  MRS.  COLTON. 
They  join  MRS.  GRAHAM  and  FAN  and  con 
verse.  LARRY  and  HETTY  walk  along.  SAMMY 
takes  up  his  bag  and  follows  in  the  tail  of  the 
procession  Church  bells  are  ringing.  The  others 
disappear  in  this  order:  FAN  and  MRS.  SHIP- 
MAN,  ROLLISTON  and  MRS.  GRAHAM,  APPLEBEE 
and  COLTON,  MRS.  COLTON  and  MRS.  APPLEBEE, 
leaving  HETTY,  LARRY,  and  SAMMY,  who  stop 
at  R.  i  E.) 

LARRY.  Oh,  so  sorry,  you  must  go,  Sammy — 
(Shakes  hands) 

HETTY.  But  you'll  come  out  soon  and  spend  the 
day? 

(They  turn  away.    SAMMY  watches  them  disappear. 
A  whistle  is  heard  in  the  distance.) 

SAMMY.  Oh,  you  Broadway!  (He  runs  up  the 
street  in  the  opposite  direction.  Church  bells  swell 
for  curtain) 

CURTAIN. 


THE  COMMUTERS. 


DESCRIPTION  OF  CHARACTERS  AND  SUG 
GESTIONS  AS  TO  CLOTHES. 

LARRY  BRICE.    Juvenile  lead,  30  years  of  age — type 
of  American  stock  broker — smartly  dressed  in 

summer  suit — belt — tan  shoes — straw  hat » 

HETTY  BRICE.    Lead 

ACT  IST — a  simple  house  gown. 
ACT  2nd — a  white  lingerie  dress — at  end  of 
act  small  automobile  hat. 

ACT  3rd — Same  dress  with  a  scarf. 
ACT  4th — A  simple  house  gown — changing 
later  to  gown,  parasol  and  hat  for  church. 
CARRIE.    A  village  girl  who  has  been  a  waitress  in 
one  of  the  Childs  restaurants  in  New  York, 
and  is  now  a  servant  in  the  Brice  home — ACT 
IST  wears  a  cotton  dress  in  blue  or  pink  such  as 
worn  by  maids.    An  exaggerated  hat.    Under 
neath  it  a  very  small  cap  such  as  worn  by 
waitresses. 

ACT    2nd — conventional    maid's    dress    and 
white  apron — no  cap. 

MJRS.  GRAHAM.    Hetty's  mother — sweet  old  woman 
— very  well  dressed. 

ACT   ist — A  coat  suit,  silk  shirtwaist  and 
small  toque. 

ACT  2nd — Afternoon  gown  in  light  colors 
with  corresponding  toque. 

ACT  4TH — Gray  silk  church  gown  and  toque. 

MR.  ROLLISTON.    Comedian  about  35  years  of  age — 

more  the  family  man  in  appearance  and  not  so 

smartly    dressed   as    LARRY — blue    serge    suit 

and  Panama  hat. 

MR.  COLTON.     Boyish — a  "  newlywed  "  very  well 

dressed  in  light  sack  suit. 

MR.   APPLEBEE.     Stout — middle-aged   suburbanite. 
Dark  business  suit — straw  hat.  ^ 


92  THE  COMMUTERS. 

SAMMY  FLETCHER.  Comedian — a  few  years  older 
than  LARRY.  At  his  entrance  in  ACT  IST 
he  wears  evening  clothes — white  vest — collar 
and  tie  loosened — hair  disarranged — must  have 
the  appearance  of  having  slept  in  his  clothes. 
In  ACT  2ND,  he  wears  an  automobile  coat  of 
heavy  material  and  several  sizes  too  large — 
dress  trousers — evening  shirt — suspenders  and 
four  in  hand  tie.  He  has  discarded  coat  and 
vest  of  evening  suit.  He  changes  in  this  act  to 
smart  sack  suit  and  he  must  be  underdressed 
in  sack  suit  trousers  in  order  to  make  necessary 
quick  change. 

MRS.  JULIA  STICKNEY  CRANE.  Tall,  handsome,  with 
touch  of  gray  in  hair — must  represent  the 
last  word  in  style — carries  a  lorgnette  on  a  chain. 

MRS.  COLTON.  A  young  bride — in  second  act  wears 
simple  summer  dress — in  third  act  a  negligee 
over  petticoat  and  silk  evening  wrap. 

MRS.  SHIPMAN.  A  stout  woman  about  forty — 
rather  suburban  in  attire. 

MRS.  APPLEBEE.  Tall,  homely,  woman — very 
aesthetic  in  appearance — dressed  in  a  loose, 
"  artistic  "  gown — a  large  flappy  hat  with  one 
rose,  antique  jewelry,  bracelets,  etc. 

MRS.  ROLLISTON.  35  years  of  age — very  well 
dressed  in  afternoon  gown. 

POLICEMAN.  Policeman's  uniform — club  and 
helmet. 


In  ACT  II,  women  wear  pretty  summer  gowns  and 
hats  suitable  for  afternoon  reception.  In  ACT  IV, 
summer  gowns  and  hats  suitable  for  church  wear. 
MRS.  APPLEBEE  same  costume  as  in  ACT  II. 

In  last  act,  LARRY,  COLTON  and  ROLLISTON  wear 
black  cutaway  coats — striped  trousers — silk  hats,  etc. 
— APPLEBEE  wears  black  frock  coat,  striped  trousers, 
silk  hat,  etc. 


JHE  COMMUTERS.  93 


PROPERTY  PLOT. 
ACT  I. 

ON  STAGE — AT  RISE — Painted  floor  cloth — Center 
Rug  or  Medalion — Large  center  Round  Table  c. 
on  table — fancy  center  piece  and  bowl  of  flowers 
i  small  stand  for  telephone  at  R.  below  sideboard 
— large  sideboard  against  wall  up  R.  on  side 
board — 2  pepper  and  2  salt  shakers — I  muffinier 
— i  metal  cigarette  box  with  2  cigarettes  and 
matches — other  articles  to  dress.  In  top  drawer 
— i  serving  fork  and  spoon — 2  tea  spoons,  2 
forks,  2  knives — in  lower  drawer — I  table  cloth 
and  2  napkins — cabinet  (built  in  scene  R.  in 
flat)  No.  i  (See  diagram)  on  lower  shelf — i 
sugar  bowl  and  table  bell — on  second  shelf — 2 
finger  bowls,  2  drinking  glasses  and  two  break 
fast  plates — other  articles  to  dress — Cabinet 
No.  2  (L.  in  flat.  See  diagram)  on  lower  shelf 
• — 2  bread  and  butter  plates — on  3rd  shelf — 2 
cups  and  saucers — other  articles  to  dress — 7 
chairs — I  R.  and  i  L.  of  c.  table — 4  chairs  against 
scene  L.  (2  above  and  2  below  doors — i  at  wall 
R. — i  above  door  R.  2  E.) — Curtains  on  casement 
window  and  pots  of  flowers. 

QFF-STAGE  L. — 2  boxes,  done  up  in  brown  paper, 
supposed  to  contain  shirt  waists  and  slippers — • 
Train  whistle  (at  cue)  i  alarm  clock  (Set  7 : 15) 

OFF-STAGE  R.  i  E. — Kitchen  table  with  following 
articles  ready  for  characters : 

2  daily  newspapers  (N.  Y.  Herald  and  World) — 2 
dishes  of  grape  fruit  (or  melon) — i  water 
pitcher  Y^  full  of  water — i  covered  dish  with 


94  THE  COMMUTERS. 

toast — i  covered  dish  with  2  fried  eggs — I  cup 
and  saucer  (coffee  in  cup) — I  tray  with  pot  of 
coffee — i  cream  pitcher  and  milk  pitcher. 
OFF-STAGE — Back  of  c.    Windows — grass  mats. 


ACT  II. 

Large  Boxed  Interior — stairs  from  center  leading  up 
to  Balcony  on  L.  of  scene — on  stage  at  rise — 
painted  floor  cloth  and  large  rug — large  square 
table  L.  c. — on  which  are — "  Country  Life  in 
America  " — "  American  Homes  and  Gardens  " 
and  "  The  Garden  Magazine  "  (on  R.)  "  Ladies 
Home  Journal  "  and  other  magazines  (on  L.) — 
In  center  a  bowl  of  flowers  and  a  picture  puzzle 
— Arm-chair  R.  of  this  table — Arm-chair  L.  of 
this  table — small  chair  back  of  table — above  this 
table  and  against  the  wall  between  the  coat 
closet  and  stairs  a  small  stand  on  table  on  which 
are  a  lamp  and  two  caps  (LARRY'S  and 
SAMMY'S) — Arm-chair  well  over  and  down  R. 
Mantel  with  ornaments,  photos,  small  clock,  etc. 
— fender  fire  irons,  etc.,  against  fireplace  open 
ing  R.  above  window — Large  comfortable  sofa 
R.  c. — back  of  this  sofa  is  a  large  writing  table 
with  lamp,  writing  materials  and  telephone — • 
small  chair  back  of  this  table — small  table  L.  of 
opening — on  which  are  HETTY'S  hat,  parasol 
(used  by  MRS.  APPLEBEE  in  burglar  scene)  and 
under  table  on  floor  a  handsome  market  basket 
— push  button  on  wall  R.  between  window  and 
mantel.  Small  stand  (for  MRS.  CRANE'S  notes) 
c.  Small  stand  R.  fireplace. 

OFF-STAGE  L. — Ready  for  character — i  small  tray 
with  doily  and  cup  of  tea  and  saucer — I 
large  paper  bag  supposed  to  contain  a  woman's 
hat,  an  old  umbrella  and  a  very  small  hand  bag 
(all  for  CARRIE) — bell  to  ring  at  cues  (same 
as  bett  used  in  ACT  I.). 


THE  COMMUTERS.  95 

OFF-STAGE  c.  and  R. — Material  to  fill  HETTY'S  basket 
to  appear  heavy  and  covered  with  napkin  and  a 
long  loaf  of  bread  with  paper  wrapped  around 
the  middle  all  for  HETTY — a  bowl  tied  up  in 
napkin  supposed  to  contain  soup  for  "  Fan." 

SIDE  PROPS — For  characters — I  silver  dollar — for 
"  LARRY  "•  — i  policeman's  club  for  "  POLICE 
MAN  " — i  cigarette  case  for  "  SAMMY  " — i  note 
book  for  "  MRS  CRANE  " — i  very  large  over 
coat  for  "  SAMMY  " — cigarettes  for  "  SAMMY  " 
— Hooks  and  chair  in  room  upstairs  off  L.  2  E. 
for  "  SAMMY'S  "  change  in  ACT  II — small 
stand  and  i  chair  in  room  upstairs  L.  3  E.  for 
"LARRY'S  change  in  ACT  III — In  coat  closet 
(back  L.  under  stairs)  i  or  2  articles  of  cloth 
ing — other  articles  of  furniture,  flowers,  etc.,  to 
dress  scene. 

ACT  III. 

Same  set  as  ACT  II — Night — On  large  table  L.  c.  a 
metal  box  of  cigarettes — i  match  stand  and  an 
ash  tray — 2  evening  papers  (World  and  Sun)  at 
either  end  of  table.  Small  clock  used  on  mantel 
in  ACT  II  and  box  of  chocolates  on  writing 
table  back  of  couch — small  book  for  "  HETTY  " 
on  couch — HETTY'S  scarf  in  coat  closet  (L. 
under  stairs).  Candle  in  stick  and  box  of 
matches  on  small  stand  off-stage — upstairs  in 
room  L.  3  E.  Auto  horn  off-stage  (up  R.)  at  cue. 

ACT  IV. 

Full  stage — exterior — large  house  L.  Painted  floor 
cloth — Grass  mats  inside  of  fence — grass  mats 
long  strip  to  outline  street — Rug  on  Veranda 
platform) — 3  wicker  chairs  (platform) — i 
wicker  table  (platform) 

SIDE  PROPS — i  small  Japanese  straw  mat  (SAMMY) 


96  THE  COMMUTERS. 

— i  copy  Sunday  World  (LARRY) — i  copy  Sun 
day  Herald  (SAMMY) — i  cigarette  case  with 
cigarettes  (SAMMY) — i  hand  traveling  bag  on 
which  are  initials  L.  B.  (SAMMY) — i  telegram 
(HETTY) — i  train  whistle  (at  cue  off  L  ) — I 
chime  of  church  bells  at  cue  up  and  off  R. — 
Flowers  on  ground  front  of  verandah — roses 
on  posts  and  house — awnings  on  windows — 
window  boxes  on  lower  windows. 


NOTE: — The  diagram  of  ACT  II  shows  a  small 
table  between  the  sofa  and  the  fireplace.  This 
is  incorrect.  The  table,  if  used,  should  be  on 
the  R.  of  fireplace.  The  clock  shown  in  the 
diagram  should  be  on  the  mantel  in  ACT  II. 
In  ACT  III  it  has  been  placed  by  HETTY  on  the 
table  back  of  sofa.  This  should  be  a  small  gilt 
clock. 


JHE  COMMUTERS.  97 

LIGHT  PLOT. 

ACT  I. 

Boxed  Interior — Early  morning. 

Foots — %  Amber — full  up 

Borders — ist  border  %  amber — full  up 

4th  border— all  white — full  up. 
Strip  lights — 10  light  strip  L.  3  E. 
5  light  strip  R.  2  E. 

Arc  lights — Amber  box  L.  u.  E.  on  drop. 
'    R.  u.  E.  on  drop. 
"    on  exterior  backing  R. 

3  E- 

Telephone  (pract.)  on  small  stand  R.,  between 
door  and  sideboard. 

ACT  II. 

Boxed  Interior — Afternoon 

Foots : — %  Amber — full  up. 

Borders — ist  border — %  Amber,  full  up. 

4th  border,  all  white,  full  up. 
Strip  lights — single  light — in  coat  closet  L.  '3  E. 

over  the  door. 
Single  lights,  in  rooms  off  Balcony  L.  2  and 

L.  2  E. 
Single  lights,  in  rooms  off  Balcony  L.  2  and 

L.  3E. 

Large  lamp  with  shade  on  table  R. 
Large  lamp  with  shade  on  table  back  L.  (be 
tween  coat  closet  and  stairs. 
Two  double  bracket  lamps  with  shades  R.  and  L. 

above  mantel  on  R.  of  scene. 
Telephone  on  table  R.  c.  (pract.) 


98  THE  COMMUTERS. 

NOTE  : — These  single  lamp  strips  and  lamps  on  tables 
R.  and  L.  are  not  used  until  ACT  III. 
Arc  Lights — Amber  boxes  R.  and  L.  u. 


ACT  III. 

Same  Set:  as  ACT  II.— Night. 

Foots — At  rise — Amber  %'  u\ 
At  rise — Whites— <>ut. 
At  cues — Whites  on  full. 
At  cues — Whites  out. 
At  cues — Amber  out. 
At  cues — Both  white  and  Amber  on 

full 

At  cues — All    foots    on    and    off    (6 

times) 

Borders — None  used  this  act. 
Arc  lights — i  box,  blue,  from  R.  u.  E.  on  drop. 
I  lense,  blue  from  R.  u.  E.  through 

high  window. 

On  at  rise  and  all  through  scene. 
Telephone  on  table  R.  c.  to  be  worked  at  cue 
near  end  of  act. 


ACT  IV. 

Full  Stage — Exterior — Daylight. 

Foots — All  white  and  amber — full. 

Borders — All  white  and  amber — full. 

Strips — 2,  10  or  12 — light  strips  on  floor  behind 

picket  fence. 

I  2-light  strips  on  backing  of  house  L.  2  E. 
I  baby  lense  in  door  of  house  to  strike  chair 

on  veranda. 

Arc  lights — amber  box — R.  u.  E.  on  drop, 
amber  box — L.  u.  E.  on  drop. 
Proscenium  lights  on  this  act  only. 


THE  COMMUTERS.  99 

NOTE : — For  production  by  amateurs  the  sets  can 
be  simplified  as  follows: 

ACT  I.      Substitute  at  stage  L.  ordinary  door  for 

double  glass  doors. 

Substitute  ordinary  china  cabinets  at  R. 
and  L.  of  French  windows  for  built 
in  cabinets. 

ACT  II.  To  dispense  with  stair  and  balcony  use 
two  doors  in  back  flat  for  bedrooms 
on  balcony.  Eliminate  double  glass 
doors  at  back  center — making  that 
entrance  at  R.  i  E.,  omitting  window 
at  R.  2  E.  Armchair  used  by 
MRS.  SHIPMAN  in  ACT  II,  can 
be  then  placed  above  door.  These 
alterations  will  considerably  de 
crease  depth  of  scene,  and  will 
necessitate,  naturally,  a  re-arrange 
ment  of  entrances  and  exits  for  the 
persons  in  the  play,  but  will  not 
materially  affect  the  "  business  "  or 
positions  during  the  playing  of  the 
scenes. 

ACT  IV.  The  platform  and  veranda  can  be 
eliminated  and  the  house  set  on 
stage.  The  furnishings  of  the 
veranda  can  be  on  the  lawn.  The 
picket  fence,  the  row  of  trees  R.,  the 
awnings  and  window  boxes  can  be 
discarded.  These  alterations  will 
impair  the  attractiveness  of  the  scene 
but  will  not  affect  the  stage  "  busi- 


14  DAY  USE 

RETURN  TO  DESK  FROM  WHICH  BORROWED 
LOAN  DEPT. 

This  book  is  due  on  the  last  date  stamped  below,  or 

on  the  date  to  which  renewed. 
Renewed  books  are  subject  to  immediate  recall. 


19Dec'58AJ 


"     ' 





LD  21A-50m-9,'58 
(6889slO)476B 


General  Library 

University  of  California 

Berkeley 


Binder 

Gaylord  Bros..  Inc. 
Stockton,  Calif. 

T.  M.  Reg.  U.S.  Pat.  Off. 


M43310 


THE  UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


